This is not yaoi, it's a Cast Away and every movie ripoff
by Insertnameheretwentytimes
Summary: Oh fine, you'll still read it. Sima Yi gets stranded with Guo Jia on an island. Then more stuff happens. Yeah, that's it. Want a cookie for reading this?
1. Anachronism yay!

**Cao Cao stares at the moon then at his large navy floating on the currents of Chibi. Cao Pi walks next to him. **

**"Father, what do you think will happen during this battle?"**

**"Guo Jia's not here. If he were, this will be swift victory. But.. now I'm not so sure... I mean, that Sima Yi guy gives me the chills."**

**"You begged for him to work for you. You stood outside of his house for five days."**

**"And I was getting nice views of his wife at that time."**

**"Father, if you didn't like him in the first place, why did you go through the trouble?"**

**"I did like him! It's just... he's... When I first saw him opening the door, I expected a Zhuge Liang-looking guy! But he... he just looks like you with a stupid hat. He didn't have the "wise man" beard!"**

**"I thought he would be a lot older too. Isn't he around thirty? He should have at least have a Lu Su goatee by now."**

**"Anyway, I'm just going to see how he works out." A finger taps him on the shoulder. Cao Cao turns to see Guo Jia waving his hand at him. "I'm here! Talking about the new guy? Oh, oh! I heard he faked illness just to avoid working for you!"**

**"Wait, you died back at Mt. Bailang!"**

**"That's the magic of hypothetical stages. I'm alive and kicking and you don't need the new guy anymore."**

**"But I didn't get to see how Sima Yi does here!"**

**"Well... we do need all the help we can get. How's the situation?" **

**"With you here, we can crush the Shu and Wu forces before morning!"**

**"Great! When do we start?"**

**"Later. You can get comfy with Sima Yi and Jia Xu until then."**

**"And Xu Shu?"**

**"Who?"**

**"The man with the hood?"**

**"I thought he was a sleeping bag."**

**"...A sleeping bag?"**

**"Yes."**

**"I'm going to meet up with Jia Xu. You can continue staring at your giant fleet of ships." Guo Jia walks away while Cao Cao yells at him, "That's not what I always do here! Right, Pi-" He turns to see Cao Pi gone. **

**"Agh, I'm always alone at this time..." At another area of the ship, Guo Jia greets Jia Xu. **

**"Well, look who finally decided to show up."**

**"I hear there was a new guy?"**

**"Yeah, he's over there." Jia Xu points to a bored-out-of-his-mind Sima Yi sitting in front of a rambling-about-Zhuge Liang Xu Shu. **

**"You should meet him! He is the wonder of this world!" **

**"Uh-huh..."**

**"He is everything I cannot hope to be!"**

**"Uh-huh..."**

**"You should see god-like abilities in strategy!"**

**"Uh-huh... Oh, forget it. I can't even pretend to care." Guo Jia points at the hat Sima Yi is wearing, "This man has the nerve to take one of our lord's ships and uses it as a fashion statement! This is insulting to us!"**

**"...That is not a ship... That's his actual hat."**

**"We should use him as another vessel."**

**"Okay, I know his hat looks stupid, but he's excellent at battle strategies."**

**"I can hear you two. You're right next to me." The two look at Sima Yi staring right at them. "Certainly you're more interesting than... _that_..."**

**"Having fun with him?"**

**"No."**

**"Do you know a man name Zhuge Liang?"  
**

**"Just now. Some man who can call the Heavens to change the wind."**

**"Hmm... Zhou Yu?"**

**"I just barely got here. Don't give me a pop quiz on people who are barely being written in history."**

**"Fine. Let's start over. I'm Guo Jia."**

**"From Cao Cao, I've heard you try to drink and hump the nearest thing that breathes."**

**"Whoa, whoa! That's over-exaggerating what I do in my spare time!" A silence fills between them. "...Now you say something."**

**"My name is Sima Yi. Happy?"**

**"What's with the negative tone?"**

**"Oh, I don't know. I could die at any minute, so I'm not exactly in a happy mood."**

**"Do you have family?"**

**"I have seven brothers. One died when he was young."**

**"Anything else?"**

**"I'm married."**

**"Oh... Any... children?"**

**"One son. ****Are you married?"**

**"Oh no! No,no,no,no,no,no,no,no,no, no,no,no..."**

**"Alright, I get it. You won't be getting married anytime soon." **

**"I hope the two of us can get along. Also with Jia Xu since you seem more like each other."**

**"Yes, yes. I wonder when is this skirmish going to start. The other army is probably putting on make-up."**

**"Haha!"**

**"That wasn't meant as a joke."**

**"Oh..." A peon runs up to them. **

**"The battle had begun! There is a mysterious ship reeking of oil coming towards us!" Guo Jia yells out,****"They are trying to set the ships on fire! We must act!" The four take out their weapons and Guo Jia looks at Sima Yi's whip.**

**"...A whip?"**

**"You use a stick with magical orbs and I'm not questioning you."**

**"Touche..." They all run into the battlefield. **

***Skipping fighting millions of peons, strategy scenes, and more boring stuff***

**Sun Quan gets knocked down and the Wei group watches as he scampers away. Cao Cao raises his sword, "We have defeated Liu Bei and Sun Quan! Let us go home and have a celebration!" The group cheers and began to walk back onto the ships. **

**After a while Guo Jia and Jia Xu look at the enemy camp as the ship moves away from it. **

**"Hypothetical stages are fun, you know that?"**

**"Yeah, that's if you're someone that benefits from it." He looks over to Sima Yi sitting on a chair looking at a mountain range. **

**"You know... You should be looking this way."**

**"I sense trouble in those mountains." Guo Jia goes and puts a hand on his shoulder. ****"Ah, you're too tense. Maybe the banquet will help you calm your nerves."**

**"I'm not a party person." A voice is heard, ****"You won't be anything after this!" **

**"What? What's happening?" The mountains has Sun Quan, Lu Su, Zhuge Liang, Huang Gai, Han Dang, Gan Ning, Ling Tong, Zhou Yu pop out holding rocket launchers. **

**Zhou Yu yells out, "How's this for hypothetical?" **

**Lu Su finishes the sentence,"BIEETCH!" **

**Guo Jia looks at them with widen eyes, "What? They're still not giving up?" Zhuge Liang yells at them, ****"Oh no! We're simply getting rid of the competition!" **

**He shoots a rocket at Guo Jia, sending him flying off of the ship. He hits the water with an audible splash. Sima Yi gets up from his chair while yelling out in a very sarcastic non-sympathetic voice, "Oh no! He just came back after being incredibly sick, and he dies just like that! Well, that means I get a promotion-AH!" **

**A rocket hits him, sending him off the ship and into the water. **

**Jia Xu complains, "Aw, man! They always take out the one that just got here or the one who just got back! Why don't I get put out this misery too-"A rocket hits him, sending him into the water also. **

**Zhuge Liang looks through his launcher's sight and he sees Xu Shu. Xu Shu waves at him and Zhuge Liang ignores him to shoot at Xun Yu. He puts his hands in his pockets and kicks dirt.**

**"Aw.. I never get picked for anything..."**

**Guo Jia struggles to fight the strong currents he got thrown into. "Ggh! Blgh! Huff! Cao Cao! Jia Xu! Cao Pi! Fine, even Xu Shu! Koff! Koff!" He sees the ships float away as he struggles against the strong waves. **

**"Grr! I'll have to swim back to them then!" He swims angrily against the waves, but they consume him the moment he gets exhausted. Nearby, Sima Yi coughs and spits out water. "Damn it! I barely started here and they try to kill me! That Zhuge Liang has some nerve!" He sees Jia Xu lying face down floating near him. **

**"Am I-blub-dead yet?"**

**"..." Sima Yi swims away from him, but a strong current sends him back. **

**"Oh, come on." He continues to swim against the current, but he runs out of breath and the water consumes him.**

**When the ships docked, Cao Cao runs at the back of the ships. "Where did they go? They must have gotten to them... And now I'm stuck with a sleeping bag. Right when things were starting to get better, the Heavens take away my best men. But.. maybe they're still alive! Men! Set your sights in every body of water! I want you to find those three!" The peons answered, "Yes, sir!" Cao Cao then chuckles to himself, "I hope I can get a nice "peek" of Sima Yi's wife before this search is over..." Cao Pi says to him while walking away, "You're old enough to be her father."**

**"Yeah, yeah..." Xiahou Dun walks by him, "She has a child."**

**"Mm-hm." Xiahou Yuan walks by him,"****I heard an intruder got his you-know-what ripped off when he tried to have his way with ****her."****Cao Cao turns to stone with a crack down the middle. "****..What?" Li Dian walks by,"I heard she served human meat in one of the baozi she gave to us." Cao Cao cracks even more. Dian Wei walks by, ****"I heard she killed a maid in order to make sure she couldn't tell you that Sima Yi was okay when he was faking illness." Cao cao breaks apart and turns to dust. He gets back up. "Ok, ok... maybe later... A lot later..."**

**A bright light shines in Sima Yi's face. He opens his eyes groggily and sees a figure. A hand extends to him. **

**"Yi... come with me... to the afterlife..."**

**"Who are you...?" He makes out a face and it was a very old man with a long beard and whiskers. "Father...?" The figure changes form and grows devil wings and horns. The light turns red. **

**"Come join me in the depths of Hell!"**

**"Oh hell no! I'm not going with my demon of a father!" The old man reaches at Sima Yi, but he gets interrupted. "Grr! Who's-GAH!" He disappears while yelling out. Sima Yi opens his eyes slowly and sees Guo Jia over him.**

**"He's not waking up... I might need to give him mouth-to-mouth." Sima Yi opens his eyes wide and sits right up. "Not necessary!" **

**"Oh thank the Heavens! I thought I would be alone here!"**

**"Where's the other man? The one with the bandana."**

**"I can't find him! Who knows what happened to him!"**

**"Actually I saw him floating face-down..."**

**"Oh no! He's gone! I couldn't save him!"**

**"Tell me, where are we?"**

**"...I don't know." The camera zooms out to a sandy beach with a large jungle. ****"I'm pretty sure this is just South."**

**"The Yangtze goes across China, not vertically."**

**"...Then..." The screen zooms outwards as Guo Jia yells out, "We're no longer in China?!" He pants and runs around yelling. "We're doomed! And I didn't even get to tap that palace maid!" Sima Yi looks around as Guo Jia is running around. **

**"Can you be quiet? I'm trying to think."**

**"Oh, and by the way... Why is your hat still on you?" He points to Sima Yi's hat that somehow is still stuck onto him. Sima Yi shrugs at the question. **

**"Now we're going to have to survive this place for a while." **

**"Then we'll have to go tribal! Rip off your sleeves!"**

**"NO! Just because we're stranded, doesn't mean we have to act like animals!" **

**"You're right. I'll go to my normal personality." He takes a deep breath and says, "Hello. Let us drink the night away..."**

**"That doesn't apply here."**

**"Darn it! Then what are we supposed to do?" **

**"Avoid contact of skin."**

**"What...? That's..."**

**"No, because..." Sima Yi points to a group of fangirls standing across the beach. "They will be waiting for one of us to "cuddle" and the fanarts will have another addition to its archives. Hey! Get out of here! Scat!" He runs after the fangirls and they run away screaming. **

**"There." **

**"If that's how we're supposed to live... Then..." Guo Jia grabs Sima Yi's sleeves. "You won't be needing these!" He tears the sleeve and Sima Yi yells at him, "What the hell are you doing?! Do you know how much this robe costs?!"**

**"Who cares?! We're going to die! "**

**"Not if you calm the hell down!" He slaps Guo Jia in the face. "Shut the f*bleep* up and quit acting like a baby!" He slaps him with the back of his hand. "I'm 9 years younger than you, for Confucius' sake!" He slaps him with his palm out, "That's for making fun of my hat back there!"He slaps him again for the fourth time, "And that's for letting me get jumped on by that Huang Gai! For Heaven's sake, I thought I was going to suffocate between his thighs!"**

**"Ok, ok! I'll stop acting like this." He gets slapped again. "That's for being a dumb blonde!"**

**"What?! That's for blond women! Not blonde men!"**

**"It applies to both!" He slaps Guo Jia again for the sixth time. **

**"Stop slapping me!"**

**"You need some sense into you! Now let's go and explore what's here." He turns to see Guo Jia sleeping on the ground. **

**"Oh, really? Get up!" He kicks Guo Jia in the head. Guo Jia gets up quickly, rubbing his head. "I'm tired!"**

**"God, I hope I don't get a child like you."**


	2. Does this pairing exist? Just curious

**Sima Yi looks at the leaves blocking his path into the dark jungle. He turns to Guo Jia, "Cut this."**

**"I carry a stick and balls! That can't cut anything!"**

**"Do you have anything else?" Guo Jia stands for a while and a light bulb appears above him. He takes that light bulb and breaks it to make it have jagged spikes. He begins striking the leaves and it barely makes a dent. **

**"...How about thinking a little deeper?" Guo Jia thinks again and he yells out,****"Yes! The weapon switching system! I forgot all about that! I was holding the Li Dian's wheel thing!" Guo Jia takes out his orb and scepter and performs the switch attack. He holds the wheeled halberd and cuts through the leaves with ease.**

**"This should be the time we get to have some co-worker bonding!"**

**"Bonding? We work together, but that doesn't mean we are friends."**

**"We are both on Cao Cao's good side. Well, you're on his son's good side too. I can't seem to connect with him! He's just so..."**

**"He's an ass."**

**"Yeah! Wait, how did you get on his good side?"**

**"I'm his tutor."**

**"Oooooh... Is he dumb?"**

**"No. He's like his father."**

**"Oh! I knew that! He just acts like a bratty prince, so I tried to see if you knew-"**

**"Don't bother."**

**"I'm really trying hard here! You're making this too difficult!"**

**"Just focus on surviving then create yet another gay relationship that hormone-raging fangirls will make homoerotic art about."**

**"What about this is homosexual?"**

**"Well, you're getting way too close to me."**

**"It's only about little over a foot between you and I!"**

**"This is how it starts. Get within 5 inches, and my name is filled with youXme homo art."**

**"Oh, come on! It doesn't work that fast!"**

**"Anyway, we might need some resources to create a shelter. Separate ones, of course." **

**"How will we get warm?"  
**

**"Kill animals for fur."**

**"What if there are no animals?"**

**"Fire."**

**"What if-"**

**"You have clothes."**

**"Where are the women?"**

**"Unless you expect a mermaid, then there are no women. Satisfy your needs behind that bush there." Sima Yi points to one lone bush sitting on the sandy beach.**

**"...What am I, an animal?"**

**"Yes, basically."**

**Meanwhile, Cao Cao knocks on a door. He tells Xiahou Dun next to him, "You will protect me from _her._"**

**"...That is ridiculous."**

**"I have to tell her about how her husband is possibly dead by now! She'll probably take out her anger on me!"**

**"Can you just lie? I can't believe I suggested that, but it will make you feel better."**

**"What can I say?"**

**"You can figure that out."**

**"Oh fine..." The door slides open to have Zhang Chunhua looking at the two. "Oh... You.. You're the one that spent days outside here just so that Sima Yi is to work for you."**

**"Yes... About that..."**

**"What?"**

**"He's... eh... he..." Xiahou Dun shows him the palm of his hand. It had words written in ink. "_He's stationed outside of China and will come back in a year."  
_**

**"He is stationed outside of the country and will be back in a year."**

**"You force him to work for you, and you make him go work out of the country for a year? Hmm..."**

**"Yike. Dun..." Xiahou Dun sighs exasperatingly. **

**"I cannot question a man superior to me. Especially one with the Emperor. Use my husband as you wish."**

**"Yes! I am with the Emperor! I AM the law! ****You, woman, have no right to question me!" **

**"I just said that."**

**"I have spoken!" Cao Cao grabs the door and slams it in Zhang Chunhua's face even though he's in front of the doorway. A dead silence sits between Xiahou Dun and him. **

**"I am good at this! Haha!" Cao Cao struts confidently away from the house and Xiahou Dun puts on an annoyed expression as he walks after him. Inside of the house, Zhang Chunhua covers her face while kneeling. **

**"Owww... He hit me in the nose..." She stands up quickly and looks around in the house. "Since he's gone... Might as well use this large mansion of his for something." **

**Back on the island, Guo Jia cuts many trees down using the wheeled halberd. **

**"When... can... I... take... a break? This thing is very heavy." **

**"You can't just give it to me. It won't-" Guo Jia throws the halberd at Sima Yi, and he barely catches it. **

**"Watch it! This is a very dangerous weapon!"**

**"See? I can give it away freely, it's not restricted to me nor Li Dian. It's not like it is going to suddenly go back to its owner. Your turn to cut things."**

**"Mmh." Sima Yi continues Guo Jia's job while Guo Jia tries to open a coconut. "I'll need that."**

**"Oh, I'm sorry. I am quite busy right now."**

**"I need it for just a second." Sima Yi ignores him completely while under the sounds of the halberd drowning out Guo Jia's voice.**

**"I know you can hear me!" Sima Yi still continues to ignore him. "Oh fine! I'll crack this open myself!" He strains as he tries to pull it apart. He hits it against a tree.**

**Few minutes later...**

**"This hairy fruit won't open! Or... at least I think is it a fruit... It's some kind of thing." **

**"Are you even sure it is edible?" **

**"There were on those trees, so I'm guessing they are." He takes the coconut and throws it hard against a tree against again. The coconut splits a tiny crack at the area that hit the tree. **

**"Yes! Hey, there is liquid coming out." He sips the coconut water. "This tastes sweet. I wonder if I can make a wine out of it." He hits the coconut against the tree over and over until the coconut splits into two pieces. **

**"Here." He offers one half to Sima Yi. **

**"Thank you." **

**"How long are we supposed to sit here until a rescue comes?"**

**"Cao Cao doesn't even know we are here. And we don't know the whereabouts of the pirate man."**

**"Jia Xu?"**

**"Yes. He might be dead considering how he was floating when I was swept away by the current."**

**"Might."**

**"Hm?"**

**"He might have washed up here, just in another area."**

**"That may be a possibility."**

**"Let's go!"**

**"Ahem." Sima Yi points to logs of wood. "First, we might need something to come back to."**

**"Yes... of course..."**

**"Just to save the audience from watching us build things, here's a timeskip."**

**"What?"**

**"Nothing."**

**Two hours later...**

**Guo Jia rubs his hands together to get rid of dirt and looks at his humble shack of wood. "...Doesn't look too bad." He turns to his left and he sees a large mansion-like building out of wood. His face turns into something of embarrassment and annoyance. "...Sima Yi? Did you...?" The door slides to have Sima Yi walk out of it. **

**"You look tense. What happened?"**

**"Your house happened! How did you even make that?! We had the same amount of wood!"**

**"Hm? Where is your shelter?" He sees the shack-like building and keeps a small snicker in. "Um.. kch... what's that? Did a typhoon come over just now?"**

**Guo Jia sarcastically laughs,"Ha-ha! Come on, we're sharing that mansion, Richie Rich."**

**"...I think since you're blond, you should be Richie Rich."**

**"Don't change the subject! That house is enough for the two of us!"**

**"You're just angry with the fact I can make something superior to your shack over there." Guo Jia storms over to the mansion with the wheeled halberd and cuts it directly down the middle. **

**"What are you doing?!"**

**"Just a little renovating!" When he was finished, the mansion was in two halves. Guo Jia points to one side, "My side." Then at the other side. "Your side."**

**"What are we, a couple going through divorce lawsuits?"**

**"You wanted separate housing, so here you go. We can cover up the gaps with left over wood and that old shack over there."**

**"It looks like it could be a bathroom."**

**"Hell no is that going to be a bathroom!"**

**"Getting a little touchy, aren't you?"**

**"I'm trying very hard to be nice to you, but you return sass!"**

**"Sorry about that. But my little personality profile says I have to be that."**

**"By who?" **

**"By Koei."**

**"Oh, f*bleep* Koei! Just act like a normal person!"**

**"Define "normal."**

**"Oh, I am done with you!" Guo Jia grabs pieces of wood and begins to cover up the large opening at one side of his half of the house. Sima Yi shrugs and goes into his half of the house. He covers up the giant opening with pieces of wood also. **

**Nightfall...**

**Sima Yi sits on a wooden chair reading a scroll. The door open abruptly to have Guo Jia running in and hugging him while yelling random gibberish. **

**"...What the...?"**

**"I have just realized we can't be against one another! ****We need to stick together during this crucial time! I'm very sorry about earlier!"**

**"...I'm not even angry..."**

**"Good!"**

**"...You're touching me."**

**"What?"**

**"You just gotten within five inches of me..."**

**"AH!" He lets go of Sima Yi quickly and backs away a few inches. "Did that stop it...?"**

**"No. Oh, there it is. There goes another. Another one."**

**"You can sense whenever a new suggestive picture of you exists?"  
**

**"Yes. Oh, there it goes. Oh great, another Cao Pi one. As if I haven't got enough already. Oh, another you one. And another. Great, you created an epidemic."**

**"Oh, I am SO sorry..."**

**"I have already gotten used to it after DW6. So many of me and Cao Pi and Zhang He at that time...Uugh..." He shudders at the thought.**


	3. A boner lightsaber? Star Wars

**Guo Jia stretches his arms and lets them drop down, "Gee, it sure is boring around here..." Sima Yi looks off in another direction eating a banana.**

**"Come on, say the next part."**

**"What next part?"**

**"You have to go, "My boy, this is what all true warriors strive for!" in a deep voice and raising your finger."**

**"...Considering how much younger I am to you, you're the one that has to say, "My boy." And I saw Cao Pi do the same thing with Cao Cao anyway. I never got what they were doing. Now that I think about it, they were really into doing it. It may have even not been planned."**

**"Anyway, it is boring around here."**

**"Are you sure you don't want to find your pirate friend?"**

**"Oh! I... Oh! I forgot! After yesterday, I just forgot all about it!" Guo Jia walks away and after a few steps he goes back to Sima Yi. "Can you go with me?"**

**"...No."**

**"I don't know what's in that jungle! I could be killed!"**

**"You have a weapon."**

**"A stick and balls doesn't do anything against who knows what lurks in there!"**

**"Look at my weapon. It's a horsehair whisk. It can kill a fly, but not a large creature. But yours has a chance of killing when used in a specific way."**

**"That's a whip."**

**"WHISK."**

**"That's a whip. Trust me, I've seen many of them."**

**"It's a whisk!"**

**"That's a whip, and you know it!"**

**"Fine! It is a whip!"**

**"Tell me, did you choose that or did you get stuck with it?"**

**"Um..." **

***Flashback to the development of DW8* **

**A Koei worker shows a table of weapons in front of Sima Yi. "Take your pick."**

**"...These don't look like weapons..."**

**"What? We just grabbed whatever can kick a person's butt and set it here."**

**"But... there is a giant replica of the male genitalia and it has a handle..."**

**"You want that?"**

**"NO!"**

**"Then choose."**

**"I am sure most of these weapons are torture devices. What's this? A ball with straps on each end? Handcuffs? A mask with a zipper down the middle? These are not even weapons!" He sees his DW6 pair of wire gloves and picks them up.**

**"If it has to come down to this, I'll be willing to use these again."**

**"Oh, those are reserved for someone."**

**"Reserved? These are mine."**

**"Yeeeah... we decided to give them to someone else."**

**"Oh, is it because Zhang He is still mad about the fact I got claws and he got a spear back in DW6? So he decides to make these his new weapon this time?"**

**"No, it's not that. But he was slightly off when he saw that you got claws and he didn't and got a boring spear. That's why DW6: Special exists. Guess who got it."**

**"...Zhen Ji?"**

**"No."**

**"Um... Diao Chan?"**

**"No."**

**"Lian Shi?"**

**"No. Give up?"**

**"Yes..."**

**"Are you married?"**

**"Well, no. Not now. Actually, she's that tiny woman in Yuanji's clothing you people created." **

**"Well, she's no longer tiny. Here's a picture since we didn't finish animating her yet." The worker gives Sima Yi a picture of Zhang Chunhua and he stares at it.**

**"...This is her...?"**

**"Yep."**

**"...Wow... her clothes are very revealing..."**

**"Yeah, after we joined with Tecmo, all women will tend to look like that."  
**

**"...Her... chest... is rather large..."**

**"Tecmo."**

**"...I am not complaining... but... aren't those going to hurt her back?"**

**"No. Of course not. Can you give me those?" **

**"Yes, yes..." Sima Yi willingly gives the gloves to the man. **

**"Will you use this whip?"**

**"Yes, yes..." The man carefully slips the whip into Sima Yi's hands and walks away quickly, yelling, "Sima Yi's new weapon is a whip! Hurry, before he can change it!"**

**"Eh?! Wait, you little!" He chases after and beats the worker with the whip. **

***End***

**"You were distracted with a picture?"**

**"Not exactly proud of that..."**

**"Anyway, we should go and save Jia Xu from whatever is in there."**

**"We?"**

**"Yes, two pairs of eyes are better than one."**

**"My eyesight is bad."**

**"I can tell you are lying."**

**"I have a broken bone."**

**"Yeah, right."**

**"I'm retarded."**

**"Wow, even Liu Bei wouldn't fall for that."**

**"I have allergies."**

**"Really?"**

**"Yes. Maybe a certain type of flower can cause me to have-"**

**"People who have something don't need to explain it. You're going with me."**

**"Nrgh..." The two go into the dark jungle ahead. They push through leaves and Guo Jia asks Sima Yi, "Aren't you a bit warm in those robes? It's pretty humid here."**

**"No."**

**"And why are you still wearing the hat?"**

**"It's always you with the hat."**

**"Hey, just a conversation-starter."**

**"And what if Jia Xu is not here? Then this would have gone to waste."**

**"Oh! We should look for Xun Yu too! I saw the allied forces shoot at him."**

**"Argh..."**

**"I wonder how Cao Cao's doing without us." **

**At the palace, Cao Cao drinks a cup of wine while sitting at a large table with his generals. **

**"Fine weather we're having."**

**"Mmmh."**

**"How about you, Sima Yi?" The camera moves to a baby Sima Shi nibbling on a meatbun wearing Sima Yi's hat.**

**"I see you are enjoying yourself." Zhang He goes over to the baby Sima Shi. "Aw! He's so cute! I didn't know Sima Yi had a son! He looks just like him! Come here!" Sima Shi looks at him worryingly and cries. **

**"Ah! What did I do?" Li Dian goes and picks the baby up. "I think he's scared of you." Sima Shi continues to cry in Li Dian's arms and pulls on his hair. **

**"OW!" Xiahou Dun picks the baby by the clothes. "You're doing it wrong."**

**"No, you're doing it wrong! You're not supposed to hold a baby by the clothes like that!" **

**"This baby needs a professional." Xiahou Dun takes the baby and shoves it into Zhang Liao's hands. "Here."**

**"What makes you think-" Sima Shi freezes in fear when he looked at Zhang Liao's face. "Oh. Haha. Very funny, men." The generals snickered. Cao Cao goes and takes Sima Shi.**

**"I wonder what future this boy has. I hope he is like his father so I have more advisers to expand my empire. Hahaha!" Zhang Chunhua storms into the room and takes Sima Shi away from Cao Cao.**

**"So that's where he went! What makes you think you can sneak into my house and kidnap him?"**

**"Er... Well, Guo Jia's sons are generics. So are Jia Xu's. So are Xun Yu's."**

**"He's just a baby."**

**"Okay, I just wanted another man in here. Since Sima Yi's gone now. And I miss him."**

**"It's only been about a few days since you sent him out."**

**"Uh... You, woman, cannot question me since I'm Emperor!"**

**"With the Emperor."**

**"What did I just say?!"**

**"No need to be angry about this. I'll go and I'll be taking my son now." She leaves the hall. Cao Cao coughs and sits back at his seat. "Nrrgh... she has scary eyes..."**

**"What about Zhang Liao?"**

**"Yes, he has scary eyes too. Hmm... Is she your sister, Zhang Liao?"**

**"No."**

**"Huh. It would have made sense since you both have Zhang in your name."**

**The scene switches back to the two walking through more leaves. Guo Jia yells out and goes back into Sima Yi.**

**"Ow! What is it?"**

**"There's a body!" **

**"...You've never seen one before?"  
**

**"No, it's just that I never touched one!" Sima Yi picks up the skull of the body and waves it in front of Guo Jia.**

**"Oooh, look at this grown man getting scared of a dead man! Or woman."**

**"Stop that! That thing has a snake coming out of it!" Sima Yi looks at the snake coming out of the eye of the skull and throws it far away from them. **

**"Ha, look who's scared now!"**

**"That snake could have been poisonous!" They continue to walk forward to find light coming out of the other end and walk into it to be standing on the other side of the island. **

**"That's it? That's all? Maybe we took a wrong turn."**

**"Oh well, let's go back and just try to avoid being killed by an animal or native tribe."**

**"Oh, fine. Maybe Jia Xu'll come to us. And Xun Yu."**

**"Why are you so worried about a generic?"**

**"He's not a generic! As of the day before yesterday, he was one of us! Even though he suspiciously looks like me with a ponytail..."**

**"Fine, fine. We can just wait until they find us or we can just die here."**

**"I'm fine with dying, but what about you?"**

**"I have a son, he can pass on my blood line for me."**

**"Aw, I should have not wore a condom back at that handmaiden's house..."**

**"I'd hate to see your children." Sima Yi walks away to walk back into the jungle. Guo Jia chases after him, "Don't leave me behind!"**

**"Then keep up." They walked through the same leaves and trees to their original campsite. But when they were almost there, they hear a growling noise. **

**"Tell me that was your stomach."**

**"I ate that hairy fruit. Maybe I got indigestion from it."**

**"I don't think you were supposed to eat the outside."**

**"Oh. I thought... oh.. I ate that part..."**

**"..."**

**"I was hungry!" They hear the growling sound again. They look around to find the noise and they look down to see a leopard cat hissing and growling at them. Guo Jia looks at it and he goes up to it. "Aw, it's just a little cat. I bet I can take this back home." He taps the cat on the head over and over. **

**"I don't think that is a good idea..."**

**"Why? It's a little kitty cat-GAH!" The leopard cat jumps onto his face, scratching him. "Ah, ah! Get it off! Get it off!" Sima Yi grabs the cat's scruff and pulls the cat off of Guo Jia. The cat continues to squirm in his hand. Guo Jia exhales and says, ****"Okay! I officially hate cats now."**

**"Really? Because I'm liking this one."**

**"Just put that down and let it go."**

**"I can just put this back on your face..." Sima Yi puts the cat closer to Guo Jia's face. **

**"No! How long are you going to hold it?" **

**"This thing is soft." The cat hangs in his hand with a bored expression and it yawns. "But I don't need a pet. I already have a murderous wife and a baby. I think that is enough for me." Sima Yi sticks the cat on a branch and walks away. **

**"You're an ass to cats."**

**"It can jump off if it wanted to." They walk back to their campsite and see a bear sniffing the site. **

**"...Why is there a...?"**

**"I didn't know this place had bears!"**

**"Might as well kill it. Use your giant spinning blade."**

**"It will create a mess!"**

**"The tide wash away any blood."**

**"I don't want blood on my clothes!"**

**"What? You want to hit the bear out into the ocean?"**

**"That sounds better." Guo Jia takes out his staff and orbs to send the orbs barreling into the bear. The bear flies far and splashes into the ocean. The bear growls and swims back onto the shore. The bear angrily runs to Guo Jia. **

**"AH! I didn't know these creatures can swim!" He sends orbs the hit the bear from all angles. The bear lets out a weak growl and falls over. **

**"Is it dead?" The bear opens its eyes quickly and stands up to swipe at Guo Jia, but he dodges. "Ah! Sima Yi! A little help here!"**

**"Alright..." Sima Yi takes out his whip and holds it with both hands. "Nrrgh..."**

**"Don't you have anything else?!"**

**"No... It's the same weapon expect different affinity."**

**"Oh, how original of you!"**

**"Just give me a minute...!" After a full minute, the whip stand upright and glows. Sima Yi charges at the bear and slices the head clean off from its body. Blood squirts at Guo Jia and he jumps backwards away from the blood.**

**"Ah! Watch where you're cutting that! And since when your whip can do that?" **

**"I rarely rarely use it..."**

**"Why? It's more useful than an actual whip. You can make a sword out of it!" **

**"No... It requires me to be... er... aroused sexually."**

**"...That's an... awesome ability! I wish my weapon does the same! I can be thinking of Zhen Ji's boobs AND kick ass! So, what were you thinking about? Hm?"**

**"Just a couple of vulgar sexual thoughts about my wife..." The whip in his hands stands upright again.**

**"Ugh! Put that away!"**

**"Ah! Grr..." He puts the whip away. "Excuse me, I'm going to hit my head hard enough to forget these thoughts." **

**"Can you give me an example of your vulgar thoughts-"**

**"No."**

**"Oh, come on! Tell me about her butt, her chest, something!"**

**"No."**

**"I need something vulgar too! Fine, I'll just think about Cai Wenji. I've always wondered what's under that dress of hers." He stands there for four minutes before snapping out of his trance. **

**"Hm... It's hard to think of her like that... Nrrgh... Fine, I'll think about Zhen Ji since she makes it very easy. God, I'm so alone... And all I got was a guy! Why didn't I get washed up with a pretty mermaid? That would have been better! Even if she didn't have a vagina! Oh... I'll die before my next sexual experience..." He walks sadly to the campsite and lays down on the sand. **


	4. Jaws?

**Guo Jia continues to lay in the sand with the moon's light hitting his face. "Nrrgh... I... need...wine... not... this... sweet water... thing... I need something to dull the pain..." Sima Yi looks at him,"You're an alcoholic."**

**"No, I'm not! I just enjoy the wine's buzz a lot."**

**"Mm-hm."**

**"What can I do for entertainment? Nrragh... Can I see your hat?"**

**"No."**

**"Come on, you actually sleep with it on? Do you have sex with it on? Do you take baths with it on?"**

**"No, that is stupid."**

**"Not as stupid as wearing it the entire time we are sitting on this island."**

**"Touche. But I'm not giving it to you."**

**"Fine... What else can I do?"**

**"Just occupy yourself with something."**

**"What are you doing?" **

**"I'm not whining like you."**

**"Touche. But seriously, we're both supposed to sit here until our deaths?"**

**Five days later**

**The two were lying on the ground groaning as the sun shines blindingly at their faces. **

**"...I lost track of what day it is today..."**

**"...I forgot how to tell time... We spent who knows how many days just sitting here..."**

**"I can't believe I spent all that time sitting here... Let me make a sundial..." Sima Yi crawls out to take a stick and stabs it into the sand. The shadow points away from him.**

**"I forgot what this even means..."**

**"It's so hooooootttt... I'm going for a swim..." Guo Jia crawls to the tide and gives up in exhaustion. The tide hits him and it takes him back and forth. **

**"...Nrrgh... I've never felt so unmotivated since... Since... er... I can't even remember..." Sima Yi gets on his hands and knees and crawls over to him. "There's something..."**

**"What...?" A figure appears under Guo Jia. Sima Yi grabs Guo Jia's leg and pulls him away from the water. A shark jumps out of the water to snap at Guo Jia, but it lands onto the shore and it flails wildly. **

**"AAAAAAAH! Get your ass moving!" Sima Yi drags Guo Jia as he runs as far away as possible from the shark. The shark snaps its jaws wildly and continues to flail. **

**"Why am I carrying you?!" Sima Yi swings Guo Jia around to fling him onto a tree, making him hit his back directly.**

**"NAGH! Koff..." He rubs his back and stands up. "OW! Don't throw people!"**

**"There is some large man-eating fish flailing about and I am not being weighted down by you!" Guo Jia sees the shark and backs away quickly. **

**"Whoa... meat..." He drools at the shark.**

**"I'm not sure that thing is even edible! Look at it! It doesn't exactly say "delicious" on it!" The shark continues to flail and Sima Yi backs away even more.**

**"Who cares? It's seafood..." **

**"Just wait until this thing dies. It looks like it can snap the moment you get within ten inches of it."**

**"Use your boner sword to cut it up then!"**

**"I can't be thinking of vulgar thoughts at a time like this! What I'm thinking right now is,"Is that thing going to fly over here and bite my head off?" and certainly not, "Gee, I would love to see my wife's breasts right now"!"**

**"I certainly want to."**

**"And you will not! Just... let that thing run out of oxygen and die." The two walk farther away from the shark and stand to watch the shark slowly die. Guo Jia comments,****"I always wanted try Japanese cuisine, but this is close enough."**

**"Are you considering to eat that raw?"  
**

**"Maybe. Can you get a fire going?"**

**"...Er..."**

**"What?"**

**"I only make ice..."**

**"Do your weapons have a fire skill or something?" He stands there and has a light bulb blink above him. He grabs the light bulb and breaks the glass to reveal the hot wiring. **

**"Hurry! Get some wood!"**

**"...That was an option?" asked Sima Yi asked as he walked to get pieces of wood and random sticks. The electricity from the light bulb set the pieces on fire and were set on the ground. **

**"This fire is a few meters farther than our site."**

**"...Can you just magically lift the fire up and take it over there?"**

**"...I... er... well... yes..."**

**"Then it's alright."**

**"How did that thing on your head get lit up anyway?"**

**"The intelligence I have in my lovely head lights it up!"**

**"Right..." **

**"You know what? Get your boner sword and fillet that giant fish. Kmph... That sounds wrong and funny..."**

**"I... er... Can you just hit it with your scepter?"**

**"It can't hurt unless you jam it up the big fish's ass."**

**"Just at least stab it! Or use the wheeled halberd."**

**"That will create a mess and ruin the meat! Use the boner sword. Kmph..."**

**"I don't want to."**

**"Do it!"**

**"I'll be in a creepy state for a while..."**

**"Don't care."**

**"Are you sure you want to go through this again?"**

**"Yes!"**

**"Huu..." Sima Yi takes out his whip. He stands there for a full minute with nothing happening.**

**"Hurry up. Think of Zhen Ji's boobs or something."**

**"They're fake. I can tell from a mile away."**

**"Just shut up and think of something sexy."**

**"..." Drool is seen flowing out of Sima Yi's mouth. The whip stands upright and it glows. **

**"Go and cut up that fish!" Sima Yi stands still and drool continues to pool out of his mouth. **

**"Damn, he probably have has a really dirty mind or has seen many things that even I don't know. Um... Hello?" Guo Jia waves his hand in front of Sima Yi's face. His eyes remain dull and still. Drool drips onto Guo Jia's hand.**

**"Ew, ew, EW!" He wipes his hand on Sima Yi's robes. "God, what is he thinking?!" A thought bubble appears over Sima Yi and Guo Jia quickly swats it away. **

**"No, no! I didn't actually want to know!" The bubble appears again and Guo Jia swats it away again. "Go away! Unless you plan to show me a boob!" The bubble appears yet again and he sees what for you is censored with a bar.**

**"Oooh, oh! Nice! Show me more!" The bubble shows two figures and Guo Jia swats the bubble quickly. "Okay, we're done! Can you cut the fish we need to survive on?" Sima Yi groans like a zombie and walks towards the shark. **

**"Okay... He might ruin it worse than what the halberd can do..." Sima Yi walks wobbly and when he got closer to the shark, it comes alive and snaps at Sima Yi. It goes limp after Sima Yi sliced off the head while in his state. **

**"Nnrgh... I would totally let you-"**

**"OKAY! You can rid of your... thoughts... now!" Sima Yi lazily puts away the whip and he shakes his head. He hits his head a few times. **

**"Nah! Argh... what happened?"**

**"You cut off the big fish's head while you're in your creepy mode."**

** "Oh... Wait, I could have died! I'm pretty sure I felt a fishy breath on my face!"**

**"But now we have this giant piece of meat. And what were you thinking about?" **

**"Things I would want a certain someone to do to me, but that person won't do it because she has "morals". Ha, morals. Says the person who killed a maid. Hahaha... she has morals... Hahaha! Zhang Chunhua having morals! Hahaha!"**

**"Okay... Oh... you didn't fillet it..."**

**"...Ugh.. no... I am not doing it again... Hm?" Sima Yi looks at the shark's head open mouth. "This fish has pointed teeth. You can make a knife out of these and cut into the meat." **

**"Ugh... You mean reach into that and-"**

**"Yes."**

**"Oh, God..."**

**Three minutes later  
**

**"I was mistaken. Surprisingly, these teeth came off like Zhou Yu's manhood."**

**"That was actually amusing."**

**"Thank you."**

**"If you wanted meat in the first place, the dead bear over there could have sufficed."**

**"Oh! The bear! I should go and try that too!" Guo Jia runs over and drags the bear corpse near the fire. He takes out his scepter and stabs pieces of meat onto it to cook over the fire.**

**"At least this will keep us alive for at least a week if we don't overeat it."**

**"Or some other person that washed up on here will come over and make us share the food with him or her."**

**"Who else would be stranded on this island besides us?"**

**"Who knows?" Rustling noises are heard in the jungle. Guo Jia stands up quickly. "Please a cat. Please a cat. I cannot take more big animal surprises. Oh, please something that is small enough to jump on my face at least!"  
**

**"I don't hear growling."**

**"It might be a giant man-eating turtle."**

**"That's ridiculous." The leaves part as hands push on them. A man with a long goatee and moustache pants as he sees the two. **

**"Wait, I know this man."**

**"Who is it?"**

**"It's the man who shot me off the ship!"**

**"Name, please."**

**"You have some nerve coming here, Zhuge Liang!"**

**"Oh, this is the oh-so-great Zhuge Liang I've been hearing about? He looks pathetic right now." Zhuge Liang catches his breath and gets out words, "Nrrgh... huff... I know my actions... but right now I need some help."**

**"You're the reason why we're on this island in the first place!"**

**"Yes... It seems karma has gotten the best of me..." Guo Jia grabs him and shakes him by the shoulders. "Do you expect us to suddenly help you after YOU shooting us off the boat?! You even shot Jia Xu and Xun Yu and they might be dead because of you!"**

**"Let me explain-Aaaaah!" Guo Jia continues to shake him. "St-op! You-are making... me-... dizzy!"**

**"Let him explain. I'll have a good reason to drown him after he is done." Guo Jia stops shaking Zhuge Liang and he wobbles around. **

**"Excuse me... BLARGH" He pukes and Guo Jia backs away quickly. "...Ugh... I did not have a good trip coming here..."**

**"Spill it." **

**"Okay... It was after we shot you two off the ship..."**

***Flashbaaaack***

**Zhou Yu and Lu Su rid horses side by side to each other with soldiers behind them. Zhuge Liang was behind the soldiers with Liu Bei. Lu Su whispered to Zhou Yu,"Now what?"**

**"Initiate Falling Dragon."**

**"Right." Lu Su whispers to Gan Ning and Ling Tong below him, "Initiate Falling Dragon."**

**"Okay!" The two run back to where the Shu army was and they walked besides Zhuge Liang and Liu Bei. **

**"Why didn't you just shoot Cao Cao with that weapon?"**

**"I just got rid of his strategists since he is useless without them. He will be an easy victory after this." **

**"But this is hypothetical-"**

**"Oh, we don't need to follow those rules. Especially Wei's."**

**"Okay." Gan Ning punches Ling Tong and he punches back. They create a cartoon fighting cloud thing and that knocks Zhuge Liang off the cliff and he grabs onto a branch. **

**"Aah!" Han Dang yells out, ****"Nrragh! Those two nimrods can't keep it in, can they?"**

**Ling Tong whispers, "Crap. Hit him off." Gan Ning swings his flail around clumsily. "Whoops! I can't control myself! Oh no! It's falling!" He drops the flail on purpose onto Zhuge Liang and it loops onto his leg, dragging him down. He loses his grip on the branch and fall due to the heavy weight on his leg. **

**"Aaaaah!" He turns his head just in time to see Zhou Yu giving him an evil grin. "Bye, Falling Dragon..." He waves at him tauntingly. **

**"Oh, are you f*bleep*ing kidding meeeee?!" He hits the water with a splash. Liu Bei looks over the edge. "Hey! Can someone get over here and save him!" **

**"I will!" Zhao Yun jumps off of his horse and dives into the water. Liu Bei looks blankly and sees that there was no movement in the water. **

**"I lost two of my best generals to the murderous sea! We must take the war to the water!" Sun Quan looks over to Zhou Yu, "This turned out better than I thought."**

**"Yes, indeed... And my stress is gone! Yes! I'm going to live to see my forties!" Gan Ning taps his foot. **

**"Hm?"**

**"You owe me a new flail."**

**"Yes, yes, expect your pay to be a little higher than usual."**

***End***

**Guo Jia looks over to Sima Yi. "Are you thinking what I am thinking?"**

**"Yes. Let's drown him." They go towards Zhuge Liang and he backs away yelling, "Wait, wait! Just... nrrgh... I know I wronged you."**

**"Yes, you did."**

**"But that doesn't mean to be complete animals."**

**"That the best you can do?"**

**"...Yes..."**

**"Okay, let's drown him."**

**"Wait, wait! I can help you."**

**"Yes, that's interesting."**

**"Shame you are not female."**

**"That's not supposed to be your priority right now!"**

**"I can call up winds."**

**"Bulls*bleep*"**

**"Fine, that was just a coincidence that the wind blew in the southeast."**

**"I'm not hearing anything... You have ten seconds before you are becoming the Sleeping "With the Fishes" Dragon."  
**

**"I am starting to dislike this man even though I just met him."**

**"That is Sima Yi's specialty. He makes you hate him before he can hate you."**

**"Anyway, I can create lighting. ****Want fire? I can light a piece of wood to set it on fire."**

**"We already have one."**

**"If it goes out, I'll light up again."**

**"Hm... What else?"  
**

**"I have nothing else."**

**"Then you can be the person that confronts an unknown creature."**

**"Huh?!"**

**"Oh, do I hear "forget it, drown me"?"**

**"Oh, fine! I also need to find Zhao Yun, he jumped down to try and save me."**

**"When you find him, I'm sure he'll be a good bait."**

**"Yes... I want some more of that man-eating fish."**

**"Hey!"**

**Nightfall**

**The three sat next to each other with the fire in front of them. **

**"You can read stars, tell us a story."**

**"I can't... These stars are unlike I've seen back home. The moon is rather close at this time."**

**"Yes, indeed."**

**"Ah, at times like this, I wish I had a bottle of wine. This would have been perfecting drinking conditions."**

**"Just drink some of that hairy fruit water."**

**"Fine." Guo Jia gets a coconut and pokes a hole into the soft area of it. "I found a loophole to this thing. There are three holes on this and I can poke them to get the liquid in it." Sima Yi comments sarcastically, ****"Good for you." **

**"I wish I had some paper to record this sky."**

**"The Heavens are at its best, it seems. Yet we are in tattered clothing and eating animals I don't think were supposed to be eaten by humans."**

**"But that giant fish was tasty."**

**"...I know."**

**"You two could have offered me a piece of actual meat!" **

**"What do we do with the fins?" Guo Jia points to the fins leftover from the shark.**

**"Cook it into a soup." **

**The view zooms out to reveal an old man sitting in a chair in front of a TV turning towards you while holding a smoke pipe. **

**"And that's how shark fin soup was invented."**

**It returns back to the three sitting. They continue to look up into the sky. **

**"I guess stargazing the only entertainment we have." A whale jumps out of the sea and the three look at it in slow motion. **

**"Whoa."**

**"That looks like..."**

**"Breakfast." Sima Yi and Guo Jia look at Zhuge Liang weirdly, "Huh...?"**

**"What? I am still hungry after you just gave me the brain and intestines of those animals!"**

**"You still needed to pay for putting us here in the first place."**

**"Okay, maybe I did deserve it..." **

**"Yes, you did-" The whale falls down back into the sea with the splash hitting the three along with putting out the fire. They sit there spitting water and wiping away the water from their faces.**

* * *

**No, shark fin soup wasn't invented by them. That was about 700 years later.**


	5. Sorta like Cast Away

**The three were sleeping on the same spot they were sitting on last night. The sun shines continuously at their faces and they turn away from it. A dream bubble appears over the three. Guo Jia's dream bubble had a great big censor bar over it. He blushes and snickers to himself. Sima Yi's dream bubble shows him sitting on a golden throne and using Cao Cao as his footstool. He looks over to see every Wei general bowing before him. Then he laughs manically. Even outside of the dream. **

**"Hahahahahahahahahaha...koffkoff!"**

**Of course sand gets into his mouth in the process. He sits upright to spit out the sand.**** Zhuge Liang's dream bubble had him stabbing Zhou Yu and then eating all of his food that was in Zhou Yu's warehouse. **

**"...Mmh...Hehehe... Take that..." Sima Yi spits out the remaining sand in his mouth and covers his face away from the sun. **

**"Nrgh..." He goes up to the sea and wipes his face in the water. He turns to go towards the make-shift house and went in it. **

**Fast Forward Five days later...**

**The three sit under a make-shift roof from the house. They sit staring into nothing with dead eyes. Zhuge Liang had a longer and scraggier beard, Guo Jia has stubble, and Sima Yi still was clean-shaven. He angrily yells at the two, "Why do you have facial hair?! Why don't I get stubble?! Only my hair grew longer!"**

**"Nrrgh..."**

**"Aah..."**

**"They've finally lost it. Oh well, looks like it is just you and me, Zhao." He holds up his hat. **

**Meanwhile, back at the Wei palace, Cao Cao was holding Sima Shi. "Sima Yi, what do you think of me?"**

**"...Ar... Loo buu?"**

**"Aw, I'm not Lu Bu. He's dead."**

**"Ar-la? Ca ca?"**

**"How dare you call me poop!"**

**"Ga oooh ga doo!"**

**"Aw, he's calling for you, Xiahou Dun!"**

**"You know, his mother is going to come back and take him from you. Why are you constantly picking up Sima Yi's son?"**

**"I want my advisers back..."**

**"There's Xu Shu."**

**"He's boring. This baby is more interesting than him."**

**"Ah! Ooh ah uoo loo boo."**

**"See? And how many times do I have to tell you? Lu Bu is dead."**

**"Loo boo dede?"**

**"I know Lu Bu was a big doo-doo, but I can't speak ill of the dead."**

**"Ga-boo!"**

**"Guo Jia's not here, unfortunately."**

**At the Sima household, loud noises are heard and a few sounds of porcelain breaking is heard. Inside, people were drinking insane amounts of wine and yelling fills the entire house. Zhang Chunhua drinks a few bottles of wine and throws the bottles at random people. **

**"I want to make out with someone and blame it on being drunk!" A drunk man approaches her, "I'll be that someone! Hehehe..."**

**"Ha, I was never going to do that!" A few women sit next to her on a couch. **

**"Hey, this is a nice party!"**

**"I know..."**

**"Marrying that old guy seemed to be the best thing for you!"**

**"Well, he is not that old..."**

**"He's ten years older than you. You're lucky he's from a rich family or you'd divorce him now."**

**"But he doesn't look too bad in terms of looks... If you're tired of him, I'll take him!"**

**"Mm..." Another sound of something being broken is heard. **

**A maid quickly runs up to her. "My lady, your baby is not in his crib."**

**"What baby?"**

**"Lord Sima Yi's."**

**"I don't remember doing him..."**

**"Your husband."**

**"I'm not married... He's just my friend with benefits."**

**"You are drunk."**

**"You're sexy..." **

**"My lady, I advise you send these people home and you get sober."**

**"If you tell my husband about this, I will kill you." **

**Another maid quickly walks up to the maid and whispers into her ear, "She is not bluffing. Just keep your mouth shut and your body will not be floating in the Yangtze." **

**"Oh... but her son is gone..."**

**"Don't worry, it's just Cao Cao." One of the women sitting on the couch suggested to Zhang Chunhua, "Hey, want to go out?"**

**"...No.. I just want to-"**

**"You're nineteen, you need to live a little! Come on, girls!" The women drag Zhang Chunhua out the door in her drunken state. **

**"No... I don't want to..."**

**"You're going!"**

**"Aunnh..."**

**Back on the island, the three go slightly insane due to the heat hitting them. Sima Yi talks to his hat, Guo Jia drinks seawater and coconut water thinking it is wine, and Zhuge Liang yells at a coconut with a face drawn on it.**

**"Mmh... I can feel a buzz..."**

**"Weisun! Weisun! What are going to do now?! Weisun!"**

**"Zhao? Why aren't you talking to me? Why?!" Sima Yi slaps his hat and it lands on the ocean. It floats and it then expands into a large boat-like structure. **

**"Huh...? Zhao? Why are you a boat that can save us from this hellhole?" His eyes light up. **

**"Since when did my hat have this feature?!" He takes a breath and looks at the hat-boat.**

**"Hmm..." He runs up to the two lying on the sand doing random things. "Can you remove your robes?"**

**"Suure..." The two slide out of their robes and Sima Yi takes them to attach to the mast of the hat-boat. He sits on the boat and the sea breeze pushes him out into the ocean. Guo Jia and Zhuge Liang stare off at the boat as Sima Yi floated away. They both get up quickly and yelled out, "SIMA YI! GET BACK HERE!"**

**"Byyyye!" The two run into the ocean and swim incredibly fast towards Sima Yi's hat-boat and grab onto the edge. **

**"You're not going without us!"**

**"I can't believe you were planning to leave us!"**

**"You two sure are lively today."**

**"Shut up! Let us on!"**

**"Huu... fine." Sima Yi hoists Guo Jia onto the boat. **

**"Hey, what about me?"**

**"You still need to pay for your crime."**

**"Aw... Can you at least bring up Weisun?" **

**"Weisun? Don't you mean Wilson?"**

**"It's Weisun!" **

**"...I feel stupid doing this..." Sima Yi takes the coconut and sets it onto the boat. ****They are floating on the boat with Zhuge Liang holding onto an edge of it.**

**"Are you sure we are even floating back to our home?"**

**"I do not know..."**

**"Can I come up now?"**

**"No. You're the one that is paddling this boat."**

** "I'm hungry..."**

**"Oh well, we have to feed the engine." Guo Jia looks around the boat and freezes. "Crap, I didn't take the shark fin soup..." He sees Sima Yi holding a rod with a line of string going into the water. He turns to Guo Jia.**

**"What? This was my hobby before Xun Yu went yapping his mouth and here I am." His rod gets tugged and he pulls on it.**

**"I think I got something..." He pulls out a tiny fish and it jumps up and down in the boat. **** He waits until the fish dies and uses it as bait. **

**Five hours later**

**"Maybe it's a little easier when you're at a lake..." Sima Yi pulls out and sees that only a little bit larger fish was on the line.**

**"He gets the head."**

**"Why are you always giving me the inedible parts?!"  
**

**The fish head IS edible."**

**"Edible to an animal! Give it to Weisun!"**

**"That thing can't eat! Be glad you are getting something after-"**

**"Yes, I got it! You are still angry about me blowing you off the ship." Guo Jia snickers and hides his smile by turning around. **

**"What is so funny?"**

**"I am so sorry... But... Kmph... The last sentence there sounds like what I said to this maiden before I went to Chibi. Except the "you" and "me" were switched around and "in" was in the ending instead of "off." **

**The two sat in thought and both made disgusted faces after one full minute.**

**"Eeeeeewwwwww..."**

**Another abusive timeskip: Nightfall**

**"Can I now come up?"**

**"Fine. I don't want the engine to freeze up." He hoists Zhuge Liang up onto the boat. Guo Jia comments, ****"I'm surprised this thing can even hold the three of us. How come you didn't deploy this earlier?"**

**"I didn't know my hat was a boat!"**

**"It looked like one! How can you not know?"**

**"It seemed too ridiculous to think about!"**

**"What other secrets do you have?"**

**"Not that I know of."**

**"You are lying."**

**"I am serious. I do not have anything else."**

**"Oh. What do you have, Zhuge Liang? Besides knocking us off the boat."**

**"Lasers and lighting."**

**"Shoot the moon."**

**"Huh?"**

**"Yes, shoot the moon. The moon's only showing half of itself, so just shoot it into showing all of it."**

**"..." Zhuge Liang looks up at the sky and shoots a laser into the air. The laser makes a lasting crater in the moon.**

**"For your information, the moon doesn't just change whether it feel likes it." **

**"I didn't pay enough attention to the astrology back in school... Then why did you shoot it then?"**

**"I kind of wanted to see if it can reach it..." The boat floats for a moment and it hits a shore. The boat retracts to its original size and it falls into Sima Yi's hands. **

**"Is this it?"**

**"This piece of land looks rather small..." The camera zooms out to show it was an island a lot smaller than the last one.**

**"I think we went in the wrong direction..." **

**"Hey!" They all turned to see Zhao Yun with a fire and random pieces of meat were cooking on his spear as it was held over the flames. "I found you! Finally! I waited for about a week for you to show up!"**

**"..."**

**"Get us off."**

**"But didn't you wanted to find him-"**

**"When did I say that? Let's hurry and go back home." Zhuge Liang grabs the hat away from Sima Yi tries to activate the boat feature. **

**"It won't work!" The golden front part of the hat opens up to have a message written inside of it. **

_**Only can be used once a week**_

**"That is a very inconvenient downside to this thing!"**

**"Why are you so eager now to get off now? You said you wanted to find poster-boy."**

**"I forgotten how annoying he is. Come on, Weisun. We're going to sleep over here."**

**"He is nuts."**

**"You were talking to your hat this morning!"**

**"You remembered? You were drinking seawater!"**

**"Yeah, and it doesn't have the effects of wine, so I can remember what was happening then!"**


	6. I don't know Xun Yu's actor Yet

**The three lay on the ground with lifeless eyes as the sun shines on their faces. Zhao Yun pokes Zhuge Liang. **

**"Hello? Waky, waky... Let's go!"**

**"Mrrgh?"**

**"I can run across the water, and I am going to take you back to Lord Liu Bei!"**

**"Excuse me? You could do that, but you didn't tell me last night?"**

**"It was dark! I can't run in darkness! It has to be bright!"**

**"Since when did you have this?"**

**"Remember DW6? I did that in the opening."**

**"Alright, take me back." Zhao Yun reaches his arms to Zhuge Liang and he looks at him funny. "Um...?"**

**"I'm going to take you back."**

**"I am not Liu Shan." Zhao Yun turns around and Zhuge Liang holds onto his back.**

**"Wait! Let me get someone."**

**"Hm?" Zhuge Liang gets on Zhao Yun's back holding the coconut.**

**"You wanted a snack?"**

**"No, this is Weisun."**

**"You mean Wilson?"**

**"It's Weisun! Now mush!"**

**Zhao Yun runs quickly onto the water, sending water splashing. Guo Jia notices the noise and gets up quickly. **

**"What?! Hey! get back here!" Zhuge Liang taps Zhao Yun's back, "Go faster."**

**"Okay!" Zhao Yun runs even farther away from Guo Jia's sight. Guo Jia runs into the water as Sima Yi sat up to see him try. **

**"You are not going to get far..." **

**"But he just..." He pauses and he slowly sinks into the water. The tide brings him back to the shore.**

**"He just left us here even when we didn't even drown him! Now I want to drown him!"**

**"Now, now, you don't want to become me."**

**"Yeah, all I need is a stupid hat to complete the set. I can't believe he just did that! That bastard! That-"**

**"He was an enemy."**

**"I... er... Yes, you're right. Shu was always a bunch of traitors... I should have known better... We should have drowned him back there."**

**"Yes, I am regretting that I never got to drown him. Then again, we fed him garbage food."**

**"Now what?"**

**"It seems we are at our wit's end. Just wait until the cold hand of death comes for you."**

**"I've already experienced that. I don't want to go through it again..."**

**"Good for you. You have experience, thus you go first."**

**At the palace, Cao Pi holds Sima Shi in his hands. **

**"Father, why do I need to take care of Sima Yi's brat?"**

**"You're twenty-one, you need training on how to take care of a baby. Just in case you knock up a poor random woman. I will force you to be that child's father or I will disown you."**

**"I already have a child."**

**"Since when? You already knocked up someone?"**

**"No! Zhen? I married her? She had Rui three years ago?"**

**"Oh! Then you won't need the child then." Cao Cao takes Sima Shi and walks away. Xiahou Dun goes up to him. "How long are you going to keep the child?"**

**"How long is his mother going to retrieve him?"**

**"You kidnapped her child when she wasn't looking."**

**"She has to then keep a better eye on him then. But I'm a trustworthy person, right?"**

**"...Yes." (No, you are not.)**

**"I am not kidnapping her child! I'm not asking her for 10,000 gold! I have more than that anyway."**

**"Why are you still holding onto him?"**

**"Fine, I think he's adorable."**

**"He has a frown on his face. Remind you of someone?"**

**"Yes. Cao Pi spoiled him after he touched him. Where do these babies get the frown? I don't frown! Neither does Sima Yi! He spends 90% of the time giving people a creepy rape-face grin!"**

**"It maybe skips generations."**

**"Yes, that seems like it. Who can get this baby to laugh?" Zhang He bursts out from a random room, "I can!"**

**"...I saw him cry his eyes out when he saw your face..." Sima Shi closes his eyes and turns away from Zhang He. **

**"See?"**

**"Aww..." Zhang He puts back on the door he broken and goes back into the room. Sima Shi looks at someone and begins to snicker. **

**"He's pointing at something." Cao Cao walks forward into the hallway and sees Yue Jin talking to Li Dian and Zhang Liao. Sima Shi points at Yue Jin and begins to giggle. **

**"Oh... He's...er... laughing at..." Cao Cao quickly walks by the three while Sima Shi was laughing at Yue Jin. **

**"Huh? What is making the baby laugh so hard?" Li Dian and Zhang Liao look all around their area, pretending to not know what Sima Shi was laughing at. **

**"What baby?" (He's laughing at his height..)**

**Cao Cao walks out into the garden and sits on a bench. "I really miss those four..." Xu Shu pops out near him. "Me?"**

**"Huh? Who are you?"**

**"You kidnapped my mother so I can work for you!"**

**"That was when you destroyed Cao Ren's Eight Gates formation! I thought you would be a good addition, but in reality, you just whine and not do work!"**

**"You don't do work!"**

**"I'm the Emperor, BITCH!"**

**"With. With the Emperor."**

**"Go to hell, mama's boy!"**

**"Ah-huhuhu!" Xu Shu runs out of the garden sobbing. Cao Cao looks around and holds up Sima Shi. "Your mother is taking forever than usual to come and grab you. I thought she would just burst through the door right now and snatch you away. Oh well, you can advise my next move for attacking Shu."**

**"Na? Shu?"**

**"Yes, no Shu. Kick Shu out of the country." He goes up to the gate, but someone walks by him and takes Sima Shi. **

**"Huh?"**

**"I knew you took him again."  
**

**"Um...?" The person turns to reveal an exhausted Zhang Chunhua. Her clothes were dirtied and slightly ripped. Also, her cleavage was being very exposed and Cao Cao was staring downward.**

**"...What... happened... to.. you...?"**

**"My eyes are up here."**

**"Ehheheh... What happened?"**

**"I am never drinking again..."**

**"Excuse me, what?" Zhang Chunhua ignores him and walks out of the garden. **

**"Why was she here...?" Xiahou Dun walks next to him. "She came here looking for her son."**

**"Yes, but what happened before?"**

**"She was hungover and puked into one of the potted plants."**

**"Okay... what else?"**

**"I saw her walking out of Zhen Ji's chambers. I don't know anything else then." Zhen Ji runs up to the two.**

**"Did you two see a woman walk out here?"**

**"Yes."**

**"Why didn't you stop her?"**

**"For what?"**

**"She violated me!"**

**"How can a woman violate another woman? It doesn't make sense..."**

**"Whatever, she did it!"**

**"Are you sure you didn't let her on?"**

**"Uh... er... No, I did not! I was violated!"**

**"...Then why do you look nice rather than torn apart?"**

**"I...er... Whatever! Get her so I can punish her!"**

**"Ooh, kinky."**

**"Shut up, Cao Cao!"**

**"She left anyway."**

**"She didn't even say goodbye! How rude!"**

**"You wanted her to say good-" Zhen Ji was gone. "...bye?"**

** Sima Yi continues to talk to his hat and Guo Jia yells at him, "I am right here! Can you just talk to me?!"**

**"Zhao, what was that noise?"**

**"I am not noise!"**

**"Zhao, can you do something about this noise?"**

**"You are finally losing it..."**

**"No, I am not..."**

**"Yes, you are!" Guo Jia takes the hat and jams it onto Sima Yi's head. "Keep it together!"**

**"I just don't want to keep on this tedious act anymore..." **

**"I know... I know... Look!" Guo Jia points to a large ship moving towards them. **

**"That ship doesn't look like Cao Cao's... Or any other army's."**

**"It seems foreign." The ship pulls up onto the shore and an anchor lands into the sand. A long large plank sets from the ship to the shore and a man wearing ragged clothing and a bandana walks onto the sand.**

**"Hm? Is that...?" Guo Jia stands up and runs up to the man. "Oh my god... It's you! Jia Xu! Why are you in that?"**

**"It turns out I can not work for the rest of my life! I can just sail the world stealing gold from people!"**

**"A pirate?"**

**"Yes! You should just dump Cao Cao and come and surround yourself in women and wine."**

**"Where's Xun Yu?"**

**"Oh, he's the first mate." Xun Yu walks down the plank holding a notepad. He takes out a brush and writes in it to then show it to Guo Jia.**

**"Why is he not talking?"**

**"He doesn't have a voice yet."**

I do not have a voice actor, thus I cannot talk. How are you doing?

**"Fine?"**

Good. I see Sima Yi is there with you. May I see him? I recommended him, but I never saw his face.

**Guo Jia walks over to Sima Yi and taps his shoulder. "Hello? Are you still in this world and sane?" **

**"Yes..."**

**"I found Jia Xu and Xun Yu."**

**"Xun Yu...?" Sima Yi quickly gets up and walks quickly up to Xun Yu. **

Hello. How is you time in Wei?

**"I got shot off the boat by Zhuge Liang."**

Aw, Cao Cao didn't get to see you in action.

**Sima Yi slaps him in the face. "That's for yapping!"**

What did I do?! I gave you a job!

**"I didn't want one! I wanted no part in this war, and that was the reason why I faked my illness!"**

Well, sooorry for trying to give you a source of income!

**"Just go back to being a generic."**

Take that back!

**"So, am I finally getting off of this hellhole?" Jia Xu scoffs and asks him, "You want to go back to Cao Cao?"**

**"Better than getting scurvy and getting eaten by those man-eating fish."**

**"What's scurvy?"**

**"A certain condition usually caught by pirates. Lethal if not treated. I read that in a book a few years ago."**

**"Okay! Let's go back!" They all went onto the boat and Sima Yi is seen flying out of it.**

**"No, Xun Yu, He comes with us." Xun Yu holds up a "Damn it" on his notepad and drags Sima Yi back onto the boat.**


	7. Pirates of the Caribbean? Disney?

**"Wait, why are you suddenly deciding to go back?" asked Sima Yi to Jia Xu.**

**"I don't want whatever that was called."**

**"It's only if-" Guo Jia and Xun Yu cover Sima Yi's mouth.**

**"I really want to go back and tap that maid."**

Piracy was not my strong suit anyway.

**"Okay... I want to go back also..."**

**"Might as well just drink the remainder of this rum." Guo Jia lights up and yells at him, "You had alcohol?! Give me some!"**

**"Alright, alright. No one else is drinking this anyway."**

**"If you were supposed to be a pirate, where is your crew?"**

**"...They died."**

**"Every single one except Xun Yu?"**

**"I don't know why they died. They just started coughing and many just keeled over."**

**"Where did you wash up?"**

**"Um... I don't remember. I was sitting tied up along with other people and then we broke out of the place. Then we stole a ship. Then one by one everyone began dying and we all couldn't figure it out. I and Xun Yu were the only ones who survived."**

**"So interesting... Why wasn't this story centered on you?"**

**"What story?"**

**"Nothing. Everyone dying just like that. Weird..."**

They died of an unknown disease to them.** Xun Yu shows his notepad to the two. He begins to write more.**

Jia Xu and I were harboring something and it wasn't affecting us. The men were of foreign origin, thus the disease has more lethal effect on them.

**"Are you a doctor?"**

No. I read a book on this.

**"...At home?"**

It was a foreign book that was translated for me.

**"Okay. How long would it take to get back?"**

**"Depends. If nothing hinders us."**

**"Do you even know what direction we are going?"**

**"Um... This ship can go on forever anyway! And food supply is high since the last ship I looted."**

**"I hope so..." The ship floats for a moment and a ship moves up near them. A group of yelling men threw grappling hooks into the ship. Jia Xu makes a worried face and drags a box of swords from the ship.**

**"Damn it! The guys were following me before I got to you two! Get some kind of weapon and knock these guys off!"**

**"Why didn't you get rid of them before?!"**

**"I did! But this is a very large organization in pirate standards!" Xun Yu runs with his notepad having many explanation points written on it. He grabs a nearby sword and stabs a charging pirate.**

**"Where is Sima Yi?!"**

**"How should I know?! I'm not his babysitter!" In the captain's quarters, Sima Yi was sitting in a chair sleeping.**

**"What are they doing that is making this much noise...?" The door bursts open to have pirates run in. "Hey! Tell us where this ship keeps its gold and you might just be able to live!"**

**"Oh boy... Ruffians..."**

**"Come on! Or your buddies will die up there!"**

**"Huff..." He reaches for a cup of water on the table.**

**"Don't move!"**

**"I just want a drink. Calm down."**

**"Freeze!"**

**"Pirates are not the brightest bunch..."**

**"I said-"**

**"I know, I know..." He raises his hands. "Freeze." Icy shards fly out of his hands and they hit the pirates, freezing them whole. Sima Yi walks by and casually flicks one of the frozen pirates, causing it fall and shatter to pieces.**

**"Ah, I love that sound." He walks up the stairs and up onto the ship's floor. He sees the three fighting off many pirates. **

**"Damn it! When did you go under there?!"**

**"Okay, I am going back..." Guo Jia and Xun Yu grabs him by the robes and gave him a sword. **

Wei's policy was to never give you a bladed weapon, but this is an exception.

**"I'm surprised you had time to write that." A pirate yells out and tries to hit Xun Yu, but he uses his notepad to take the blow. He turns to stab the pirate. Xun Yu makes an annoyed expression when he saw his notepad was ruined. **

**"Who cares about that? Just get rid of these barbarians!"**

**"It has been so long since I held a sword..." Sima Yi stares at the sword with shiny eyes.**

**"Well, you have one! Just get these guys off of this..." Body parts and blood fly in Guo Jia's face. "...ship..." A head flies towards him and he ducks. "Ah!" Xun Yu takes out another notepad.**

This is why Cao Cao banned Sima Yi from having a sword.

**"I feel like a giddy schoolgirl with this blade! Hahahahahaha!" Sima Yi runs around slicing many pirates into two while laughing insanely. After only ten minutes, pirates lay in pools of blood and were either decapitated or sliced to pieces. Guo Jia walks very slowly up to Sima Yi pry the sword away.**

**"You're in your happy place. You're in your happy place. Give me that."**

**"No." **

**"Give it."**

**"No. It feels so good holding something that can kill. I haven't felt this good since DW2." Xun Yu and Jia Xu grab Sima Yi from behind and he squirms around. **

**"You're taking this away! Not again anyway! I got stuck with a fan just to make me look like a Zhuge Liang clone!" Guo Jia pries the sword away from Sima Yi's hands and he throws it back into the box of weapons that was sitting at a corner of the ship. **

**"There. Why did it take so long for Cao Cao to ban swords for Sima Yi?"**

**"He killed the NPC for Cao Pi. Twice. Also, he killed the NPC for me.."**

FYI, he killed the NPC for you, Guo Jia.

**"Why?"**

The NPC was the closet victim for him.

**"Let me go. I'm already bored and unmotivated." They let Sima Yi go and he walks back to the stairs to walk down below the ship.**

**One hour later...**

**The three sit in a table playing mahjong. **

**"Who is driving this ship?"**

**"It'll just float its way back home."**

**"I can't tell what Xun Yu has..."**

**"He has a good mahjong face. And he can't talk." The three sit in silence and played their game. **

**Another hour later...**

**Jia Xu says in a monotone voice, "Xun Yu won. Again."**

**"Are you sure he isn't cheating?"**

**"He's too good to do that." Xun Yu turns his face away from them and holds in his smile. He had extra mahjong tiles in his sleeve and he hides them. Guo Jia asks Jia Xu, ****"Are you sure Xun Yu can't talk?"**

**"Yes. Look, just ask Xun Yu to talk." **

**"Xun Yu, can you say something?" Xun Yu mouths words, but no sound comes out. Instead an automated voice is heard. **

**_"Audio clip not found. Please insert audio clip."_**

**"Oh... You were not kidding..."  
**

**"What's an audio clip?"**

**"I don't know."**

It's something the developers are trying to put together.

**"I wonder what is Sima Yi even doing under there."**

**"I hope he doesn't eat all of the food under there."**

**Down in the captain's chambers, Sima Yi sleeps in the bed that was in there. Guo Jia and Jia Xu walk down under the ship and sees him sleeping in the bed.**

**"Why is he sleeping so much...?" **

**"I'm older than him, and I'm not taking this many naps."**

**"Nrragh... I can hear you..."**

**"Hey, the last crew that I stole this ship from liked women."**

**"...And...?"**

**"The captain too. I think about five women entered that bed-" Sima Yi's eyes open wide and he jumps out of the bed. **

**"Ew, ew, ew, ew!"**

**"I thought so."**


	8. This is not letting me write longer chap

**The four sit in a table playing mahjong. Guo Jia say out, "We've played about fifty games of mahjong... Do any of you have anything else besides that?" Jia Xu shushes him.**

**"Not now!" (I have a good hand!) **

**"Augh... Xun Yu is going to win again anyway."**

**Fifteen minutes later **

**Xun Yu looks in shock at his hand of tiles and then Sima Yi's hand.**

How is this possible?! **(I had every good tile!)**

**"I broke your winning streak, did I?" (You're not the only one who can cheat.)**

** "Sima Yi won. Great, can we do something else? Oh, I Spy!"**

**"No."**

**"Cards?"**

**"I don't have any."**

**"There's nothing but ocean out here. I can't sightsee around here. There are no more of those men after you, right?"**

**"...Uh... Well... Look, we can defend ourselves."**

**"But what can we do to pass the possibly two-month journey?"**

**"Huaaa... I'm afraid you have to just deal with it."**

**"Have any more alcohol...?"**

**"Yep."**

**An hour later**

**Guo Jia slurs while lying in a pile of bottles. **

**"You know what? You hwat...? I... ugh... I... love... cookies."**

**"Cookies...? Mmh... I want some..." Sima Yi looks at the two. **

**"...You two are alcoholics."**

**"I can stop anytime I want!"**

**"Yeeeeah..."**

**"Mm-hm."**

**"You should drink toooo! It's so fuuuun..."**

**"...No, thank you."**

**"Cooome on... It tastes like coooookies!"**

**"I know alcohol doesn't taste like cookies."**

**"Fine! Xun Yu?"**

I can't drink. Low tolerance.

**"Then make it high tolerance!" **

**"I have noticed. What happened to the stubble you had on your face?"**

**"What stubble...?"**

**"Back on the island, you had hair growing near around your face."**

**"Yeeeah... I wasn't properly nutritioned, but now I am!"**

**"Drinking gives you nutrients? Alcoholic."**

**"No, I'm not!"**

**At Wei, Guo Huai asks Zhang He, "Don't you think it is odd on how Sima Yi is stationed out of the country, but doesn't send a report?"**

**"I'm surprised he is stationed that far away from home."**

**"Also Guo Jia. He was stationed outside of the country also. I'm surprised Cao Cao would just send him away like that after he just made a full recovery."**

**"I heard the same thing with Jia Xu and Xun Yu." **

**"Why is he sending the strategists all over away from the capital? This is not good if Shu and Wu hear of this."**

**"What about Xu Shu?"**

**"Who?"**

**"Auuugh! You're so mean!" Xu Shu pops out from a random bush and runs sobbing. Guo Huai looks around confused. "...What did I do...?"**

**"I'm just wondering, where is Sima Yi's home?"**

**"Why?"**

**"I bet his wife is worried sick! I can comfort her."**

**"...I can tell you this... She is not worried. Not. One. Bit."**

**"Why?"**

**"She is not like that. Compared to my wife, she is made of stone."**

**"Then I'll help her with work!"**

**"What about here?"**

**"Cao Cao said there will be rest and training."**

**"Okay... Good luck with... her..."**

**"You met her?"**

**"A couple of times. She's... hehehe... scary. That day I'm pretty sure she scared away my tuberculosis."**

**"That's good. Right?"**

**"Yes, but it came back."**

**"Aw..."**

**"Why do you want to help Sima Yi's wife again?"**

**"Her name has Zhang in it! I'm always happy to help out a fellow Zhang. She could be my sister-"**

**"No. No way. Absolutely. No. Way. Maybe Zhang Liao's, but not you." Zhang Liao walks by them, "Again, I don't have a sister." **

**"You two could be separated at birth!"**

**"Still not my sister. But I would like for her to tell me how to keep a soft face while at the same time be frightening."**

**"Shouldn't Zhang He teach you?"  
**

**"I don't want to dance."**

**"Oh, that seems right."**

**On the ship, the four sit in chairs staring off at pieces of land. **

**"That island has a giant mountain on top."**

**"I see some familiar figures over there..." The ship floats by the land piece and a man is waving at them. **

**"Hi, Jia Xu! Remember me? We were buddies in Warriors Orochi 3!"**

**"Oh, Motonari Mori. I just remembered his name. He looks older than the last time I saw him."**

**"That's because I have a kid now! Want to meet him?"**

**"Well... we're floating back home..."**

**"Ah, you'll see when Samurai Warriors 4 comes out!"**

**"Yay... Is that guy even supposed to be alive right now?" **

**"Whoops!" Motonari lies on his back and plays dead. "Wake me up when it's 1497."**

**"Suure... Bye." The ship moves away from that island and the ship faces towards a large piece of land.**

**"I see the Wall from here."**

**"Yes! We're finally coming back! And we're going towards Wu, might as well give that Zhou Yu a present."**

**"I'm pretty sure Zhuge Liang returning will kill him anyway."**

**Zhao Yun was running on land towards the palace at Shu. **

**"Huff... huff... I'm sure you can walk on your own-" He turns to see Zhuge Liang sleeping on his back. "...Okay..." When he got to the palace, Liu Bei runs crying and hugs Zhao Yun in a sobbing mess of a hug that made Zhuge Liang fall off.**

**"I had to lead five campaigns on the ocean, but they will not give you up! I glad they finally saw reason."**

**"I brought back Zhuge Liang."**

**"Excellent! Come on, Zhuge Liang..." Zhuge Liang groans and continues to sleep on the gr****ound. He hugs the coconut with a face craved into it.**

**"Um... wake up.. You're home." Zhuge Liang gets up. Liu Bei sniffs him and recoils. "...Uh... You need to use the palace bath?"**

**"Mm..."**

**"It seems he needs a bath and a scroll. Get him a scroll!" **

**An hour later**

**Zhuge Liang is in proper robes and is shining. "Ah, I'm back to my normal self." Liu Bei looks at the coconut with a face. "Ooh, what's this? A new kind of fruit? Or vegetable? Or nut?"**

**"That's Weisun."**

**"You mean Wilson?"**

**"It's Weisun!"**

**Back on the ship, the four wait for the ship get closer to the land in front of them.**

**"We managed to get here without trouble. That's surprising."**

**"Well, we can go back to our normal lives." **

**"And no more of those guys will go after us! Now I just need to trim my beard a little so they won't recognize me." Suddenly, a blast hits the ship and it starts to tip. **

**"What?!" They see from afar Zhou Yu with a rocket launcher. "You are not coming back." Guo Jia yells out at him, "Guess what? Zhuge Liang managed**** to go back to Shu!" **

**"What...? Then getting rid of you four is a much bigger priority!" He has more peons come up with rocket launchers. They all shoot at the ship and it creates many holes in the ship. It slowly sinks and the four look around in panic.**

**"Oh, no! Not again!"**

**"Oh crap... Let me be stranded with Xun Yu this time and not Guo Jia. At least he's quiet."**

**"Hey! Is there anything that can be used to float us out?"**

**"...Er... Wait, there is that little boat-" A rocket hits the small boat off the ship. "...Or not." More rockets hit the ship, making many holes in it and causing it to sink faster.**

**"We are only a few miles away from the nearest piece of land! Let's all jump and swim!" **

I can't swim... Not yet anyway...

**"Okay, Sima Yi, you're holding him."**

**"Why?!"**

**"Your back is the most healthy since you're the youngest here!" **

**"...Nrrgh..." Sima Yi reluctantly has Xun Yu ride on his back as they jump down into the water. They swim towards the land nearest to them and held onto the earth under them.**

**"Augh! There... Get off of me now." Xun Yu quickly gets off of his back. "Oh great... A new "shipping" has appeared... Just what I needed..."**

**"Oh... I forgot to tell you, if you touch Sima Yi, a new ship of you will appear for him."**

I've been seeing suggestive pictures of you and I rather then Sima Yi.

**"...Yes... Those... er... Heh. Just forget about those. Now... which way is Luoyang?" **

**"Maybe just go ahead until you see the palace while avoiding bandits."**

**"Steal a horse?"**

**"No committing crimes!" **

**"Fine, I have gold, I can pay for a horse. Or carriage." **

**"It is just beach here. Maybe walking a few miles will get us in a city." **

**"I don't think anyone would give us service looking like this... And..." Guo Jia sniffs himself. "We smell of fish and bad meat."**


	9. Every Zhang must be related in a way

**A maid holds Sima Shi as Zhang Chunhua is seen very quickly cleaning every room of the house.**

**"My lady... You should let me-"**

**"No. This is my fault. And I can clean certain stains that would normally give you trouble."**

**"But-"**

**"No. Take these sheets and burn them."**** She gives another maid sheets with many unknown stains on it. "...What is...?"**

**"I have no idea. This is something even I can't clean." Zhang Chunhua looks down and sees a man lying down nude with a woman. **

**"...Ugh... I officially regret this... GET OUT!" She picks up the two and throws them out the window. **

**"Hey! I need my pants!" She shuts the window quickly in the man's face. **

**"There are a lot of vases that need replacing. Take this bag of gold and purchase vases. They have to look as close to the originals as possible." A maid takes the gold. **

**"If I find out you ran off with it, you're dead."**

**"Y-Yes!" The same maid with Sima Shi says to her, "It is my job to help you, just let me clean up before your husband gets back from his post."**

**"Oh, fine-" The main door breaks down to have Zhang He burst in a pool of sparkles. "Hello-"**

**"That door was JUST fixed!"**

**"Huh? Oh, I'll fix that!" Zhang He snaps the door back on quickly and turns back. **

**"Who are you?"**

**"I work for Lord Cao Cao and I decided to see if I can help with your sickness of Sima Yi being gone for this long!"**

**"If you think I miss him, turn back because I am not." (Wait, I can use this man-Is he a man? No matter, I'll just play the innocent card and have him get rid of unwanted pests.) "You know what? I have a job for you."**

**"Anything!"**

**"Clean up the bathroom and kitchen." **

**"Okay!" He runs, leaving a trail of dust and you hear drilling, clinking, and scrubbing. He runs back. "Done!"**

**"Wait... what?" She goes over to the rooms and sees them sparkling clean. Except in the kitchen a man was sleeping on the table. **

**"...Get rid of that too."**

**"Oh, my bad." Zhang He kicks the man and he goes out the kitchen window. "There you go!"**

**"Huh."**

**"I'll go over here." Zhang He walks into a bedroom, but Zhang Chunhua blocks his way. **

**"No. Not in there. That's... private."**

**"Oh, okay." The camera moves to a bump inside of the room covered in bloody sheets. **

**(Stupid men thought it would be funny to let a cat and a snake fight each other IN THE F***KING BEDROOM.) "You can just tend to the garden. Please use the door."**

**"I love gardening!" He runs and actually uses the door to leave. **

**(Yay, he's gone. Now I have to clean up the bedroom.) **

**On the outskirts of China, the four walk on a dusty trail in the boiling sun. Guo Jia says in an unmotivated voice,****"Aaaaugh... why did it have to be summer... I thought Wei was supposed to be cooler since it was up in the north..."**

**"You wanted harsh winter?"**

**"Yes. I won't be getting tanned then." **

**"That's because you're only wearing half of your robes."**

**"Because YOU took them and put them on your hat-boat! They got ripped in the process!"**

**"Well now, you are giving fanservice." Sima Yi points to a group of fangirls that just happened to be standing on the trail. **

**"Go on! Get out of here!" Sima Yi chases them off with the girls screaming. Xun Yu holds up his notepad. **

You could have used them. Even if you didn't like them, you could have taken advantage of their hormones and make them carry us.

**"So dark, aren't you Xun Yu?"**

I just say what ever plan is applicable to this situation.

**"That sounds like my way of thinking-Huh, Xun Yu is taking my style. The hat, the robes, the face. He's me if Koei decided to make me more pretty than creepy."**

**"He looks more like me if I dyed my hair black and grew out my hair."**

**"Depends on which angle you are looking at." **

**"He looks like Zhao Yun if he had defected to Wei."**

**"Ah, good one, Jia Xu! But he's a soldier, not a strategist."**

So this entire trip is going to be about coming up with people who look like me...?

**"I am trying to figure out your voice. Would you have a deep voice like Fa Zheng? Would you have a high-pitched one like...there are none so, you sounding like Zhou Yu."**

**An hour and a half of walking la-ter**

**The group groan (except Xun Yu and he is holding up an "aaaargh" on the notepad) in exhaustion. **

**"...Huff... I know the empire is very large, so... WHY CAN'T WE FIND A DAMN CITY?!" Sima Yi's voice echoes throughout the area and crows fly out of the trees. **

**"...Finally losing your cool?"**

**"I am going insane right now!"**

**"It's probably the hat."**

**"Ha-HA." **

**"Honestly, how does your hat survive all of this? Xun Yu's hat didn't survive, my hat didn't survive, heck, even Jia Xu's bandana didn't survive! He just has a random piece of cloth on his head right now."**

Maybe it has a clip that connects to Sima Yi's head every time he puts it on.

**"A magnet?"**

**"Magic."**

**"That's your answer for every thing Sima Yi does."**

**"He can use magic."**

**"But he cannot turn water into wine."**

**"Actually... I could if given the correct ingredients and time..." Guo Jia and Jia Xu get in Sima Yi's face. **

**"You. Could."**

**"Turn. Water."**

**"Into."**

**"Wine?" **

**They push themselves even further into his face. "WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY THAT SOONER?!" The yelling made Sima Yi's hat almost fall off.**

Whoa.

**"I didn't want to fuel you two's alcoholism!"**

**"I can stop anytime I want!"**

**"Suuuure. That's what they all say..."**

**"You don't know what it's like!"**

**"It is very stressful working with Cao Cao, I HAVE to drink. Just wait a few years, you'll go insane."**

**"I am already insane."**

**"Then drink it away to go insane again!"**

**"That made no sense."**

**"It doesn't have to make sense! I'm beautiful!"**

**"Right now?"**

**"After I get a long bath and clean clothes!" Their voices echoed in the empty area around them. An explosion of smoke happens in front of them and they cough it away. When it cleared, Zuo Ci appears before them.**

**"Greetings, wanderers." Jia Xu complains, ****"Oh no! I am not doing this again! Last time an old magical man appeared before me, it was not pretty!"**

**"I assure you I will not harm you four. I just happen to hear the yelling. Where are you from?" **

**"The place where we're born or the place where we live?"**

**"Depends."**

**"Just tell us!"**

**"Oh, okay... Tell me where you live."**

Stranger danger!

**"What are you, a little kid?"**

He looks very suspicious!

**"Oh, alright. Tell me who you work for or what is your job."**

**"We all work for Cao Cao as strategists."**

**"Cao Cao...?"**

**"Yes."**

**"...Oh my... Dangerous if Cao Cao gets you four back... The chaos will be plundered into deeper chaos if the intellect goes to someone as cruel as him."**

**"Huh?"**

**"You'll be sent to another place where your talents will be of better use than of that man."**

I knew it! Run!

**Xun Yu runs away far from Zuo Ci and he zaps him with a quick bolt. He disappears with a poof. **

**"Okay, we're running!" The three split into three different paths, but Zuo Ci zaps them simultaneously with bolts and they disappear with poofs. **

**Somewhere totally much farther from Wei**

**Guo Jia lies on the earthy ground and gets up with widen eyes. "Aw, man! I saw a city before that magical man showed up! Damn it!" He pounds the ground angrily and he sees Xun Yu lying on the ground with swirly eyes. **

...ugh...

**Guo Jia gets up and crawls over to him. "Hey, are you okay?"**

trip was dizzy...

**"What about Jia Xu and Sima Yi?"**

don't know

**"There is a city over there. First, help me find those two and get to that city." **

**"Don't worry, you won't have to go find us again." He turns to see Jia Xu and Sima Yi walking towards him. **

**"I feel queasy after being transferred here..."**

**"There is a city over there, let's go and try to get ourselves patched up before trying to go back to Luoyang again. That is if we are even still in China..."**

** "Oh, we are. None of this looks foreign to me." **

**"Okay, let's go!" Guo Jia looks over at Xun Yu who was still lying on the ground. **

I feel not so good...

**Xun Yu gets up quickly and runs behind a tree. No sound is heard, but you can see specks of barf flying from behind the tree. **

**"Ugh... whatever the bolt did... Oh!" Sima Yi covers his mouth and his face turns green. He runs behind a different tree and throw-up noises are heard. Jia Xu holds his stomach in pain. **

**"I think the old man gave us a little indigestion..." Jia Xu pukes right in front of Guo Jia who flinches and backs away far from him. He looks around confused. **

**"Wait, why don't I feel the sickness?" Jia Xu exhales after barfing and replies, "You've puked out your organs every time you drink. Your body is already used to abuse."**

** "What about you?"**

**"I can't another drop of wine after the fiftieth bottle. You, on the other hand, can drink more then eighty bottles. Your liver just doesn't work or you don't have one... Either way-BLAAAAARGH!" **

**"UGH! AT LEAST TURN AWAY!"**


	10. Zhuge Liang's an ass

**The group walks into the city and people began staring due to their ragged clothing and reek of dead things. Some whispered about them.**

**"Hey, what's the smell? It smells like my dog *s*bleep*ed all over dead rotting fish."**

**"It's either bad meat or good cheese. And it is neither."**

**"Those four need a bath." A random woman comments to another woman, "If they cleaned up and fixed themselves up, they would be pretty hot."**

**"Especially the one with blonde hair. So exotic!" The four quickly walk and Guo Jia goes up to one of the women.**

**"Excuse me, my colleagues and I need somewhere to clean up and get new clothes." **

**"You can get clothes from the local tailor. Shu has the finest silk there is."**

**(Shu...? Oh... no...) "Anyway, is there a lake or a bathroom you can lead us to...?" **

**"I am not very comfortable leading strangers to my home... You can ask Lord Liu Bei to let you borrow his bathroom. He'll never refuse anyone!"**

**"...Oh... Thanks..." He walks back to the three behind him. "We are in Shu... and we may have to borrow Liu Bei's bathroom..."**

**"Liu Bei doesn't know us, so we should be fine."**

**"Yes, he does! He was watching us storm the Wu main camp! Except Xun Yu since he was just on the ships and cannot use his weapon yet."**

**"We have to mess up our hair and faces then for him to not notice. We'll just mooch off him for a time then steal his horses. First, Sima Yi, take off that hat. Anyone will recognize you as long you have the hat." Sima Yi takes off his hat and puts it away.**

**"Mess up your hair."**

**"This isn't necessary. No one in Shu has ever seen me without my hat or my hair down."**

**"Just mess it up for safety."**

**"Fine, here is an ink bottle. Dye your hair black." **

**"Not my hair!" **

**"You are the only blonde man here. You are very recognizable." Guo Jia takes the ink bottle and slowly holds it over his head. He puts it back down quickly.**

**"I can't do it!"**

**"It will wash off. But after you take a bath, you will need a second coating." He tries to pour it over his head, but again stops to sob hysterically.**

**"Oh, I can't do it! Auhuhuhuhu!" **

**"Hold him." **

**"Sorry." Jia Xu and Xun Yu hold Guo Jia down as Sima Yi pours the ink all over his head. **

**"This is hair rape! Let me go!"**

**"...Hair cannot be raped. There." Guo Jia runs to a nearby puddle of water and sees himself with black hair. **

**"Now I look like Xun Yu. But... black doesn't look too bad on me..." He stares into the puddle at himself. **

**"While he's doing that, Jia Xu, take your bandana and cover your face. Say you are ugly so they won't make you take it off. Maybe uglier then Pang Tong. And they don't know Xun Yu exists, so he stays."**

**"Come on Guo Jia." Guo Jia continues to stare at his reflection. "Black does suit me." **

**"I'm glad you like it, but let's go."**

Can't we just sneak into a random commoner's home?

**"Hm... Yeah! Let's try that!" Guo Jia runs into the city streets and goes behind a building. Some yelling and a smack is heard. Guo Jia walks back to the three with a red cheek. **

**"They have tight security... Might as well get this over with..."**

**After half an hour, they reach the steps of the Shu palace. A generic stops them.**

**"Halt! What business do you have here?"**

**"We want to borrow your bathroom."**

**"...Huh? That's a first... I am not sure how to react to this." He turns his head to yell out, "Hey, what do we do if the people want to use the bathroom here?" Someone yells back, "That's a weird request! Let me go ask Lord Liu Bei!"**

**"Just wait a few minutes." After minutes of standing, a voice calls back to the generic, "Liu Bei said to let them if it's an emergency!"**

**"Is it?"**

**"Yes. My "father" here wears diapers and it is full. He has to change it." Jia Xu glares at Sima Yi and whispers, "I may be older, but that doesn't mean I wear diapers!"**

**"...Oh... Okay? Um... you three reek so I guess you can use the shower also." The gates open and the group gets access into the palace. Liu Bei walks out to greet them. Guo Jia thinks to himself. **

**(Okay, he's not very bright. He won't see through these disguises.) **

**"My, look at you four! What happened to you?!" **

We traveled a long way with no food or water. **(****Sob stories get to him.)**

**"Oh no! Come in! My servants will prepare warm robes and you can use the bathroom here to wash up." Sima Yi says through gritted teeth, ****"Thank you, kind sir." (I can't believe I'm being nice to a person from Shu...)**

**"Hey, have I seen you before?" Sima Yi's eyes widen. "Oh no! No! I just happened to look like a lot of people!"**

**"Really? You remind me of Cao Cao's funny hat strategist."**

**"Nrrgh... Oh, I get that a lot."**

**"I find your wolfish grin unnerving."**

**"Okay, are you just going to insult me?"**

**"Oh, sorry! You just look so much like him!" **

**(I didn't know he saw that much of me...) As the four walked into the palace, Guo Jia quickly swipes an ink bottle before heading towards the bathroom.**

**One hour la-ter (And no, they did not share a bath, you pervs)**

**Guo Jia quickly pours the ink on his head and washes away any excess ink. **

**"I**** can get used to this." He continues to admire his reflection in the mirror.**** Xun Yu walks out from a room in green robes.**

I feel like a traitor wearing these.

**"This is just temporary. Later, we can steal Shu's horses and get to Wei." Sima Yi and Jia Xu sit in chairs in the room.**

**"Ugh... I despise green."**

**"Don't be a Zhen Ji." **

**"I'm not! I just hate green with a passion. Its color makes me want to barf."**

**"Now that you mention it, all of their robes are green. I don't know if it's depressing or just plain laziness." They hear voices from another room. **

**"Yue Ying! What are you doing to Weisun?!"**

**"You brought back this hairy thing. I wanted to examine it."**

**"Weisun is not a thing you can simply take apart!"**

**"You mean Wilson?"**

**"It's Weisun!" The four listen and recognized the voice. **

**"It's Zhuge Liang."**

**"And still not sane yet." ****They continued to listen through the wall.**

**"Zhuge Liang! What are you-"**

**"Weisun! Are you okay?"**

**"...Oh no... Your mind hasn't come back yet. Here. Read Sun Tzu's Art of War." A brief silence fills the room and again Zhuge Liang's voice is heard.**

**"Sorry. What was I doing again?" **

We already cleaned up. We can just go.

**"Okay, let's go-" When JIa Xu gets up and walks up to the door, it opens quickly to show two soldiers. Behind them was Zhuge Liang. "I knew something was amiss. Weisun, your gut was right."**

**"I don't think that thing has a gut..."**

**"Silence. You can fool Liu Bei, but not me." Jia Xu stares at him for a full minute and quickly swipes the coconut away from Zhuge Liang. He throws it at the wall, cracking it and spilling its water all over the floor. **

**"NOOO!" Sima Yi grabs the cracked coconut before Zhuge Liang and throws it against the wall again. It splits in half and Zhuge Liang yells out, "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" He closes his eyes for a moment and they had a fierce glow to them once they opened.**

**"I feel... light. Hm, my sanity has come back! And... Four of Wei's strategists are right before me. Men, seize them and lock them up."**

**"What? They are Wei soldiers?!" **

**"Uh-oh." **

Run!

**The four run quickly and broke the window of the room. They jump outside and run away from the palace. **

**"Huff... huff..."**

**"Where are the stables?" **

**"How am I supposed to know?!" They get out of the palace's main gate only to get stopped by a growling Wei Yan. **

**"RAAAAAAGH! WEI... SPIES...! Kill... Wei spies!" Wei Yan swings his blade quickly at them, and they keep dodging. They slip away and run off to go right into a riding Ma Chao. **

**"Ha! Men of Cao Cao! Face your fate!"**

**"Oh god! I don't think we are going to make it!" They duck under Ma Chao's spear swipe. They continue to run away, but Xun Yu holds up his notepad while running.**

Wait, don't you three have weapons?

**The three slowed down and their faces turned bright red in embarrassment. "Oh... right..." They take out their weapons and went back only to go back the other way running. **

**"All of them have Rage musou!" They run away from the glowing bright yellow troops and generals. They got to a secluded area and checked if the army followed them.**

**"Great... Just great. Zhuge Liang gaining his sanity back..."**

**"I thought breaking the thing would make him go crazy! It did the opposite!" **

**"Anyway, we should find the Shu stables-" Guo Jia turns to comes face-to-face of a giant head. Its mouth opens to reveal a pipe and it shoots a blast of flame in his face. His face is black and he coughs.**

**"Koff... Augh..." **

**"You four! Stand your ground!" Yue Ying sends five juggarnauts to surround them.**

**"Oh, great..."**

**"Koff... Hey, you could have killed me!" **

**"That was what I was going for."**

**"Sima Yi... can you activate your boner sword?"**

**"Sorry, I have a fire-breathing beast in my face!"**

**"Surrender!"**

**"You know, constantly nagging us to do things will not work no matter how hard you try. Unless you're my wife."**

**"Ugh, who would marry you?"**

**"Guess what? I am!"**

**"I feel sorry for the woman married to you."**

**"And I feel sorry for you being married to a man that didn't bother writing about you in the history books."**

**"Take that back!" She sticks her dagger-axe near Sima Yi's neck. **

**"Sima Yi! Your blood will be all over me if you continue taunting her!"**

**"She's bluffing." The dagger-axe's blade touches his neck and he jumps at the cold metal.**

**"I am not."**

**"What do you want, woman?! You're more demanding than my wife when she hit adolescence!"**

**"...Wait, what? You're married to a kid? That is sick! You're more awful than I thought!" **

**"It wasn't my choice!" The three look at the arguing two and walk slowly between the spaces of the juggarnauts. They run very fast but to crash into Zhao Yun, Guan Yu,Huang Zhong, Ma Chao, and Zhang Fei along with a giant army.**

**"Stop and surrender!"**

**"Aaaah! Just run!" They run in the opposite direction, but to run into Zhuge Liang and his own army. **

**"Oh, we're screwed." In the background, Yue Ying is seen beating Sima Yi with her dagger-axe. **

**"Take that back! I am not Zhuge Liang's bitch!"**

**"Yes, you are! OW! My wife hits harder than you!"**

**"You sick pedophile! Who knows what that poor girl has seen or have been forced to do..."**

**"I did not touch her until she was eighteen! ****OW! And "poor girl" doesn't properly describe her!"**

**"Sure, pervert." **


	11. A small Simpsons reference was made

**One-by-one, Shu soldiers throw the four into a small jail cell. Sima Yi has multiple bruises on his face and was laying down with his behind up.**

**"Ugh..."**

**"I can't believe we didn't use our weapons! Why didn't we use them?"**

**"I kept on forgetting I had one."**

**"Well, they took them away now. Huaaa... I feel stupid for not being able to fight back." Footsteps are heard coming towards their cell and Zhuge Liang is seen. He turns to face the cell with a menacing grin. Sima Yi runs up and yells at him He points at him with a stern finger.**

**"No! No! NO! That's MY thing!"**

**"I can do whatever I want. You're the one in the cage right now." Guo Jia worryingly says out, "Oh, no! He's going to butt-rape us!" Zhuge Liang makes a blank expression only to then slowly turn into disgust.**

**"Maybe Gan Ning does that... But me? Uewgh... That is disgusting! The Heavens would be ashamed if that happened! I have dignity compared to that man! I am here just to taunt you!"**

**"Then do it! Don't just give us Sima Yi's rape face or we'll get the wrong idea!"**

**"Fine, haha. You treated me like horse s*bleep* back on the island, so this is karma getting to you."**

**"You were the one to blame in the first place!"**

**"Boo-hoo, you will be executed as spies from Wei. The land will never know it was you four. Cao Cao will be easy to defeat and I-I mean-Liu Bei will conquer every thing! The land of benevo-GOAH!" Sima Yi gets a fork from the ground and stabs him in the stomach though the grated door.**

**"SHUT. UP. That word is poison to me."**

**"Fine! Assaulting a major official is added to your list of crimes!"**

**"I don't care what happens to me in Shu!"**

**"Yes, your head will be hanging on the castle wall!"**

**"After the benevolence crap, you go straight into chopping my head off!"**

**"You don't deserve benevolence!"**

**"Damn right I don't deserve that bull*bleep*!"**

**"It is not bull poo-poo! What is bull poo-poo is that you're working for the most evil man in the country!"**

**"I really don't care about him! He is just the one who pays me!"**

So you did need money. Thank me for giving you a job.

**"I didn't exactly need it, but I'll happily exploit Shu for the s*bleep*y generals they had!" He slowly turned to Zhuge Liang when he was saying that sentence. "Exhibit A over there."**

**"F*bleep* you!"**

**"F*bleep* you!"**

**"F*bleep* the both of you!" They turn to stare at Jia Xu. He looks at them with a confused expression. "Oh, we're not doing the "everyone hates everyone" thing?"**

**"Well, you earned yourself insulting a major official!"**

**"Again, I don't give a f*bleep*!"**

**"You know what? How about getting you to the chopping block right now? I can just tell Liu Bei and he'll do it!"**

**"Oh yes, you have him all wrapped around your little gloved finger!"**

**"Yes, I do. He won't question me asking for your execution. I'll go do it now." Zhuge Liang walks away from the cell with a very evil grin.**

**"Hey! You don't do that! That is my thing! Walking away with a creepy smile is my thing! Ah, he's gone."**

**"What are you going to do now? You will die."**

**"Hahahaha... No, I won't." Sima Yi goes to the wall and knocks on it. He moves over and knocks again.**

**"What are you doing?"**

**"I've been in a cell before. These are nothing compared to Wei's."**

**"Wait, Cao Cao actually imprisoned you?"**

**"After him standing outside of my house for five days, he just went and used the forward approach. That's when I gave in. Anyway, these walls are weak. Just hit it with all you have."**

**"I'm surprised they didn't put chains on us."**

**"Shu is not very bright, remember?" The four go to the grated door and turn to face the back wall. They run into it with all of their strength and it breaks down.**

Not that much funding went into the jail budget...

**"Okay... look for the stables." They walk quietly behind a building** **and saw Ma Dai feeding horses.**

**"Here you go, Chestnut 2. For you, Chestnut 3. And I am not forgetting about you, Chestnut 4! Though Young Master needs to learn more horse names..."**

This must be the stables.

**"Hey, what's that over there?" Guo Jia points to a warehouse and sees a few juggarnauts in it.**

**"Those look like the monsters the woman from earlier used on us-"**

**"Jia Xu, are you thinking what I am thinking?"**

**"...Yes. Let's. I want to steal THAT."**

**"Wait, what are you...?" Guo Jia and Jia Xu run over to the warehouse and come out in two juggarnauts.**

**"Oh my god! You can ride these beasts!"**

**"I thought they were automatic! I am so getting laid when I get home!"**

**"But..." Ma Dai gets alerted of the noise and looks around. "Someone there?" He walks slowly behind the stables building and gets punched in the face by Xun Yu.**

**"OW!" He crumples down holding his nose. Sima Yi and Xun Yu took the nearest horses and rode away. Ma Chao is seen running out yelling, "Noooo! Chestnut 2 and Chestnut 3! Oh well, I still have Chestnut 4..."**

**"What are you doing? Go after them!"**

**"Oh, right!" Ma Chao gets on the last horse in the stables and rides off after Sima Yi and Xun Yu. Guo Jia and Jia Xu raced their juggarnauts after them and Yue Ying is chasing after them in her own juggarnaut. But in reality, they are moving very slow.**

**"...I though these would be faster!"**

**"She's gaining on us!" The juggarnuats continue to move slowly. Jia Xu looks around on the panel and presses a random button. The juggarnaut shoots across the ground like lighting and catches up to the horse riders.**

**"Jia Xu! Where's that button?!" Guo Jia pushes a random button and the juggarnuat shoots a large fireball from behind, propelling Guo Jia and destroying Yue Ying's juggarnaut. She lies on the ground covered in soot.**

**"Nnrgh... they took the prototypes... Koff..." Back at the chase, Ma Chao swings his spear at the two in front of him.**

**"Give back Chestnut 2 and Chestnut 3!"**

**"They look the same!"**

**"You horse-ist!" The juggarnauts from behind go up to both of Ma Chao's sides. They shoot a fireball to his sides and he flies far back into Shu.**

**"AAAAUGH! ...Noooo... Chestnut 4!"**

**"Yes! We are now able to back home!" The juggarnauts get closer to the two riding the horses.**

**"Keep those things away from me!"**

**"They can't run you over!"**

**"Just keep your distance." As they rode, a cloud of smoke surrounds the area in front of them. Zuo Ci appears out of the smoke and prepares his hands with electricity.**

**"If you're not with Liu Bei, you're against him-" Sima Yi knocks him down with his horse.**

**"AH!" He gets up quickly to get hit by Xun Yu's horse. He gets up a little more slowly only to get run over by the two juggarnauts chasing after the two from before. He lies on the ground flatten and twitching.**

**"...Ugh..."**

**"Think about this next time you are considering to stand in the middle of the road!"**

**"Nnrgh..." Zuo Ci lies on his stomach panting and reaches his hand outward to shoot a large firebolt at one of the juggarnauts. It breaks in pieces and it had Guo Jia landing on his behind.**

**"...Ow! And.. Oh..." He gets up quickly to run after the three. "*bleep*! *bleep*! *bleep*! Hey! Stop! Jia Xu! Stop yours!" Jia Xu's juggarnaut slows down and Guo Jia grabs onto it and sits on the top of it.**

**"This is what happens when you try to pull a Sima Yi."**

**"How does he do it?"**

**"Leave the smart-ass attitude to me and Sima Yi."**

**Back in Shu, Zhuge Liang sees a soot-covered Yue Ying and Ma Chao.**

**"I can't believe you let them escape!"**

**"...Nrrrgh..."**

**"Chestnut 4..."**

**"And you let them off with two of your juggarnauts."**

**"Hey... aren't you worried about me...?"**

**"Zhuge Liang... This is why I said I wanted a larger lock..."**

**"I didn't know they could bypass the lock you have now."**

**"That lock is just a block of wood with a plank through it! Koff..."**

**"Fine. I'll contact a proper locksmith. Wait, can't you make one?"**

**"Do I look like a locksmith?"**

**"But you invent things for a living. Can't you just make a lock?"**

**"You do not understand my line of work!"**

**"Since when do you talk to me like that? Sima Yi got to you."**

**"No, I am using common sense!" Ma Chao weakly waves his hand at the two, "Heeey... I am really hurt here... You can have the marriage arguments later... "**

**"You're just sad over losing Chestnut 2 and 3. And 4."**

**"But my body feels numb..." Zhuge Liang continues to ignore Ma Chao to argue more with Yue Ying. Yue Ying slowly gets up and brushes off some soot.**

**"And Sima Yi said you never wrote about me in your history books!"**

**"He is lying!"**

**"Oh? Show me an autobiography of yourself and show me the part it talks about your family."**

**"Um... er... I lost it."**

**"Hmph. Though so."**

**"Why don't you go marry Sima Yi right now?"**

**"Ew, he's a pedophile! Not to mention the really tasteless hats he wears!" The scene switches to Sima Yi sneezing.**

**"Again, I am NOT a pedophile! That's Zhou Yu!" It switches again to Zhou Yu sneezing.**

**"Nargh! I am not a pedophile! It is Koei's fault for making my wife too young! They think it's "cuuuute"! Yeah, right!" It returns back to Yue Ying and Zhuge Liang. Ma Chao crawls over to them.**

**"I really need medical attention! My organs feel like their being stabbed by my ribs!"**

**"Not now. And I heard you don't consider me a strategist. What the hell? I help you with plans! It's because I am a woman, isn't it?"**

**(Damn you Sima Yi for making my wife a feminist.)**

**Sima Yi appears in his thought bubble.**

**"Haha! You're welcome!" He blows a raspberry at him. Zhuge Liang punches the bubble in anger. "Shut up!"**

**"Excuse me?"**

**"No! That was for my thoughts!"**

**"Whatever." Yue Ying turns around and walks away from Zhuge Liang.**

**"Ah! It wasn't for you!"**


	12. Harry Potter stuff and PlanetoftheApes

**The four continue to ride on the dusty road. **

**"I think we got far enough. Let's head up north." They turned towards a group of hills that when they got up on them, the royal palace was barely in view over a few clouds and trees. **

**"Hm, I never seen the palace in this kind of view before."**

**"It looks so small from here."**

**"Hey, we ain't here for sightseeing." **

**"You're jealous because you're inside there and can't get a better look at this."**

**"No, I just want to forget about every thing else and get back home. With a stomach full of wine, of course."**

**"Give me a few more minutes to take this all in. I might come down with something again and may not be able to see this ever again." **

**"Fine, fine." They ride down the hill at an amazing speed and run onto another dusty trail that have trade caravans going on it. They past them quickly and the people in the caravans look in shock.**

**"Did you just see that weird monster that just passed by?"**

**"Yan, I thought you went off the Five Mineral Powder stuff!"**

**"I did! Did you see that thing that passed by?"**

**"Your mother will be very ashamed about that you started again when you were clean for three months straight." **

**"I really didn't take more! The beast really just passed by!" **

**In Wei, Cao Cao has two hand puppets on either of his hands he makes them talk. **

**"Liu Bei! You give back Jing!"**

**"No! It's mine! I saw it first!"**

**"It was ours first!" Cao Pi stares at Cao Cao with disbelief. "...What are you doing...?"**

**"It's boring around here, so I'm making my own entertainment. Oh no! Guan Yu, save meee!" Cao Cao quickly takes a Guan Yu hand puppet and has it talk to his Liu Bei puppet.**

** "I am here, brother!"**

**"Oh, my hero! Mwa mwa!" He makes the two puppets perform a kissing motion to each other.**

**"How long is this hiatus going to last? It's been about three to four months since Chibi."**

**"Pi, you're going to succeed me, you tell me when."**

**"Look, those four are probably dead by now. We must make a move."**

**"The cup is always half empty with you."**

**"Getting shot off a boat, landing into the ice-cold water, being drifted off to who knows where, and it has been three to four months since we had seen them. And you assigning Sima Yi's kid to be my tutor was not the best idea. He's a baby!" **

***Cutaway or flashback, you decide***

**Cao Pi sits in a table with Sima Shi on the other side. Cao Cao drops books onto the table and says, "This is your substitute tutor."**

**"Father... He is a baby."**

**"So?"**

**"Babies can't teach." **

**"He's Sima Yi's son. He can teach you just as well as he can."**

**"I would be better off being taught by his wife."**

**"Oh, now that Sima Yi's gone, you want to try and pick her up? Is that it?"**

**"No... but... Hm... It would not be a bad idea..."**

**"That's the spirit, now you two have fun." Cao Cao walks out of the room. Cao Pi stares at Sima Shi blankly. Sima Shi falls down on his head lightly so he is upside-down.**

**"Gah?"**

***End***

**"I can't accept that all four are dead! And that baby taught you well!"**

**"It just sat there nibbling on a book!"**

**"There, he taught you books are not edible."**

**"Everyone knows books are not edible!"**

**"Not Xu Chu."**

**"Ok, him, but everyone else knows books are not edible! Father, let us take the fight to Wu and Shu. Everything is repaired, the army is training well, and everyone has their wounds healed. Leave the past behind and look forward to your future."**

**"Did you get that out of a book?"**

**"I just made it up."**

**"It sounds like it came from a book."**

**"I really just came up with it on the spot."**

**"Really?"**

**"Yes!" **

**"All I have is Xu Shu..." **

**"Man Chong, Cheng Yu, Xun You, Jia Kui, Zhong Yao, Chen Qun, Sima Lang, and I'm forgetting the rest."**

**"Oh! I should have had Sima Lang tutor you! Men! Can you summon Sima Lang out here?"**

**"Well, at least I wouldn't be getting taught by a baby..." **

**Zhang He was humming happily as he was snipping twigs off of a rose bush. Guo Huia and Xiahou Yuan walked up to him. **

**"Oh, there you are. What have you been doing this entire time?"**

**"Hm, hm... Oh! It's you two! Like my artwork?" The camera zooms out to show it was a flower bud made out of a rose bush. The bushes before that one also were made into looking like flowers.**

**"Wow. They look so real."**

**"Um... I know this isn't your home, so who are you doing this for?"**

**"Lady Zhang Chunhua said I can help out in the garden. I decided this will lighten up the place a bit." The door opens to have Zhang Chunhua walk out into the garden. **

**"How are you doing with the-" She freezes and stares at the bushes that Zhang He shaped into flowers. "...Ahem... Um... I see you are doing fine... What is this?" **

**Xiahou Yuan jokingly says, "Yo dawg, Zhang He heard you liked flowers, so he made a flower out of flowers so you could watch flowers grow out of a flower while looking like a flower. Hahaha!"**

**"...Okay?"**

**"Oh, come on. No one here got it?"**

**"No."**

**"Not me."**

**"Aw..."**

**"This wasn't necessary, but thank you."**

**"My pleasure! How about you, General? Want me to make something in your garden?"**

**"...Um... No. Unless you can make trees look like they are rectangles. That will so cool!"**

**"A challenge! Bye! Call me if you need more help!" Zhang He happily skips behind Xiahou Yuan. Guo Huai asks Zhang Chunhua, "Now that I am here anyway, can you give another of that medicine tea mix?"**

**"This is your tenth time, normally someone would have threw up at its taste at the first time they took it and try to avoid me at all costs." (Ten! Are your taste buds dead along with everything else in your body? Oh well, at least I won't have to force it down Sima Yi as much anymore.) **

**"It stops my coughing for weeks and it does taste awful, no offense."**

**"None taken, I am aware of that."**

**"But it does work. So can I get another package?"**

**"Here." She gives him a bag. **

**"I am just wondering, what is in it?"**

**"...Best if you do not know." (Tiger eyes, tiger bones, human bones, tiger semen, fish stomach, fish eyes, fish heads, bull testicles, some unknown mushrooms I threw in, some green liquid, whole apples, whole oranges, chicken feet, Five Mineral Powder, fish bones, crushed elephant tusk, crushed bear claws, crushed tiger's teeth, fish organs paste, dried roots, dried herbs-...I am making myself sick right now...) **

**Back on the dusty trail, the four get closer to the palace with every move their vehicle makes. **

**"We are almost there!"**

**"Hopefully no more distractions will-" A lighting bolt hits Sima Yi and he and the horse he is on dies, so he falls on the ground. "Augh! I spoke too soon..." More lighting bolts strike the three and the vehicles either died or exploded on contact. The three fall off and land onto the road. Zuo Ci instantly appears before them.**

**"I see you managed to get here. But I am not letting you go. If you won't join Liu Bei, then you must go somewhere far away."**

**"Jesus Christ! What the hell do you want?! Stop being a Liu Bei fanboy and just tell us!"**

**"For you to learn that Liu Bei is the right way." The four make dissatisfied faces. **

**"Ugh... so lame... It rhymed..."**

**"You sound like a merchant advertising Liu Bei." **

**"Shut it. I will give you one last chance, let the way of benevolence-" An ice spike protrudes out of him. The camera moves to Sima Yi who had his hand surrounded by cold winds. **

**"That. Word. Is. Poison."**

**"You dare attack me like that? Fine, you can die."**

**"Hypocrite. Talking about that-word-shalt-not-be-named and you go straight into killing the person who insults it."**

**"Ha!" Zuo Ci shoots bolts of lighting at Sima Yi, but he counters it with icy winds. Guo Jia and Jia Xu yell at him, "Since when did you become Iceman?!"**

**Xun Yu holds up his notepad.**

He can use magic, remember?

**"There is a limit! First a boner sword, making wine from water, and now this! Why wasn't I created with this?"**

**"You're meant to be fighting with weapons and not magic. Xun Yu uses magic too. Wait, can't he combine with Sima Yi's powers and blow that old guy away? Can you?"**

The Shu forces didn't take my staff since I hid it well under my sleeves.

**Xun Yu takes out his staff and points it at Zuo Ci. Nothing happens.**

This wasn't activated yet... I can't use it until the developers create my moveset... I just remembered this...

**"Damn it, Koei!" Zuo Ci continues to force his bolts directly into Sima Yi's icy winds, but it continues to be pushed back. **

**"Give up!"**

**"No." Sima Yi continues to hold his hand in place and yawns. "Auuugh... How dull this is..."**

**"You have bolts trying to kill you and you're think it's dull?!"**

**"Yes. Okay, I am bored. Take this." He holds both hands in place to create a stronger icy wind. **

**"Two hands, BITCH!" Zuo Ci gasps. **

**"No way..." The winds overcome the bolts and hits Zuo Ci to freeze him slowly in ice spikes. **

**"Gaaaah... You... huff... I can't die! Grr!" He squirms around, but the ice quickly covers him to only his head. **

**"No! I will have my-Gaaah!" He is frozen completely solid. **

**"There! Let's go." Sima Yi walks up to the gates that lead into a Wei city and kicks it open. The three follow him into it. **

**"Are you sure leaving the old man in an ice cube is a good idea?"**

**"He just doesn't like Cao Cao, so he'll forget about me."**

**Inside of the palace, a man with a long beard is sitting with Cao Pi and he is reading a few books. Cao Cao walks up to them. **

**"This is better, isn't it?"**

**"You didn't think of this sooner and made a baby my substitute tutor. Of course it's better."**

**"Hahaha... My lord, my brother is more suited to this than I am-"**

**"Don't put yourself into the ground! You're Sima Yi's older brother, so act like it!" **

**"But he is superior to me in terms with strategies, I can't hold a candle to him."**

**"Ah, you're too humble. And... something about reminds me of Guan Yu... I don't know what..." Cao Cao was stroking Sima Lang's beard while having a face deep in thought.**

**"...Can you please stop? It's bothering me."**

**"Funny how Sima Yi doesn't look like you. Are at least step-brothers?"**

**"No, all eight of us are of the same father. And please stop stroking my beard."**

**"It's just... It reminds me so much of Guuuuan Yuuu! Ahuhhuhhuhu!" Cao Cao cries in Sima Lang's chest. "There, there..." (Yi, you better not be dead.)**

**The four walk on the street of a empty city. **

**"There are no guards, nor people."**

**"Hmph, this place is pretty battered up." They walk up to the palace and it was burnt to unknown recognition. Guo Jia looks at the palace and sinks to his knees. He pounds the ground with his fist.**

**"Wu finally really did it!"**

**"Guo Jia."**

**"ARRRRRRRAGH! You pyromanics! You blew it up! Ah, damn you!"**

**"Guo Jia."**

**"God damn you all to hell!" Jia Xu and Sima Yi yell at him, "GUO JIA!"**

**"What?! They blew it-" Sima Yi yells at him, "This is the old Luoyang! The one Dong Zhou burned down!"**

**"How would you know?"  
**

**"I have been here! My family lived near here!" Jia Xu then comments, "And I was there when Dong Zhou burned the place down. I didn't suggest it, but he did it."**

And I resigned when he captured this place.

**"Anyway, this is the old Luoyang. The new one should be nearby." Guo Jia sits still and his face turns bright red. "...Oh... Damn, I forgot all about that incident. It was just so horrible so I drank that memory away. Hehe..."**

**"Next time there is a banquet, I am so telling this story."**

**"Okay, okay! Let us just go to the real one."**

**"Wu destroying Luoyang... It might happen. MIGHT. That's if the Suns still respect the Emperor."**

* * *

**Five Mineral Powder was a drug in Ancient China that resembled cocaine based on ancient texts. It probably was cocaine, but the Chinese gave it such a fancy name.**

**I based off Sima Lang off of one of his appearances in the ROTK games. He had a long beard that reminded me of Guan Yu.**


	13. 13th chap Is it bad luck or good luck?

**The four walk very quickly to the Luoyang next to the burnt down old Luoyang. Jia Xu teases Guo Jia.**

**"I cannot believe you broke down in front of the old Luoyang thinking Wu destroyed it."**

**"Okay, okay! I overreacted! Can you drop it?"**

**"Sorry, it's just so funny when you play it back in your head." They reach the gates of Luoyang and guards stop them.**

**"Halt! Who are you?"**

**"Cao Cao's advisers."**

**"What? Why are you wearing green?"**

**"This was what a tailor had..."**

**"Oh. How do we know you're not Shu spies?" Sima Yi sighs and takes out his hat to put it on. The guards exclaimed, "OOOHHHHH! Hahahaha! Yes, you four can come on in! Lord Sima Yi has verified your four." They open the gates and Sima Yi puts on a displeasing face.**

**"...They only recognize me with my hat..." Guo Jia runs quickly up the steps of the palace, but trips on the last one.**

**"Wow... This is embarrassing..." ****He gets up quickly to push open the large doors. "Lord Cao Cao! I'm back!" Cao Cao in another room was still crying in Sima Lang's arms.**

**"I hear Guo Jia's ghost haunting me... He is dead... Along with every thing else..."**

**"My lord... Hehehe... You've been hugging and crying on me for the past hour..."**

**"Your beard reminds me of Guan Yu..."**

**"You said that already." Guo Jia enters that room and sees Cao Cao.**

**"My lord?"**

**"Auuugh! I see his ghost!" Sima Lang looks up and sees Guo Jia. "Hi. Please take over. Also, is my brother okay?"**

**"Yes."**

**"Oh, thank god! I didn't want lose another brother." Sima Yi, Jia Xu, and Xun Yu finally walk inside of the room. Cao Cao looks up and looks around frantically.**

**"Ah! When did you come in here?! Are you going to haunt me because I didn't include railings on the ships?" Sima Lang drops Cao Cao and hugs Sima Yi very tightly.**

**"I was so worried about you! I thought I had to bury another sibling ever since Min died!"**

**"Mmh."**

**"Come on, say more than that!" He shakes Sima Yi back and forth, making Yi's eyes swirly.**

**"Uuugh... Stoppp..." Cao Cao then calms down to see the four of them. "You're... alive? I knew it! I always knew it! Pi was always telling me your four were dead, but I proved him wrong! Come here!" Jia Xu and Sima Yi stand still.**

**"Come on."**

**"I don't do hugs."**

**"Me either. I'll be in the wine cellar if you need me." Jia Xu walks away from them.**

**"Aw. Ah, Xun Yu! I didn't get to see you exactly since you just be brought out of generic hell."**

It is a pleasure to be standing before you as your new non-generic strategist.

**"You can't talk?"**

No voice actor. Yet.

**"Let's hold a banquet to welcome you four back."**

**"Yes, let's!"**

**"Ngh... shouldn't you bring the fight to Shu and Wu?"**

**"Oh, don't be such a stick-in-the-mud, Sima Yi!"**

**"But-"**

**"No buts! You will have alcohol in your body before the next battle! This is an order!"**

**"Uhh..."**

**"Tonight, you WILL show up! I'll even have guards escort you to the party!"**

**"Uhh... I can't convince you... Fine. I'll go change out of these horrific robes at home."**

**"Excellent. Also, you still are Cao Pi's tutor."**

**"...Whhhhy? He's already smart as you. My brother can do it anyway... He's twenty-one! How much are you trying to jam into his pompous head?" Cao Pi glares at him, "Pompous?"**

**"You heard me. You're pompous."**

**"How dare you make such an insult to me!"**

**"What are you going to do? Execute me?"**

**"Father! I demand you execute Sima Yi for such insults!"**

**"Phht. You've been called worse than that. This is one of the lighter insults you got. Pompous doesn't begin to describe you."**

**"Even you... Fine..."**

**"Excuse me, I will be going home now." Sima Yi walks out of the room and out the palace.**

**At Sima Yi's house, Zhang Chunhua frantically places and fixes many area of the house. A maid tells her, "I heard your husband has come back."**

**"I know that! What do you think I am doing here? I fixing things so he won't noticed what happened in here!"**

**"Is it going to be bad when you tell him the truth?"**

**"...It would depend on the seriousness... You are going to tell him, aren't you?"**

**"No! It's just... lying would be wrong..."**

**"Huuu... Oh well, I'll just spill everything... Hand me one of the bottles..."**

**"I have noticed something... Aren't you a little young to be drinking...?"**

**"Oh, what's the point...?"**

**"You don't want to become an alcoholic."**

**"I am not. If this is the best you can do with motivational speeches, don't bother..." The door opens to have Sima Yi walk in. "What's with the giant flowers in the garden?"**

**"General Zhang He did that."**

**"Oh, makes sense. Why was he here?"**

**"He just bursts through the door and asked me for something to do."**

**"Oh. Also, what happened in here?"**

**(What?! How does he...?)**

**"If you're asking how do I know, it is that this place has a different smell. It reeks of sweat, alcohol, and shame." The maid walks quickly away from that one room.**

**"I..."**

**"Well, considering you're barely legal and still young, you took advantage of my absence. I'll let this slide. Not that I actually care."**

**"..."**

**"Based on your look, you're hiding something. Spill it."**

**"I had an affair!"**

**"...With who?"**

**"I forgot her name."**

**"Her...?" He stands still for a moment and suddenly says, "Forgiven."**

**"What?"**

**"FOR-GIVEN."**

**"I-"**

**"Bu-buhuhu! FOR-GIV-EN. Don't fight it."**

**"Why-"**

**"Because I can!"**

**"I remember the woman's name now. It was Zhen Ji."**

**"...Aaaaaah... That is not anything. She sleeps with everyone, so thus you were another person she added on the "people slept with" list. So... yes. You didn't do anything wrong. Unless you killed another maid."**

**"No, I did not."**

**"Good. I will be grabbing another set of robes since this is making me want to barf right now." Sima Yi walks into the bedroom and walks off in his normal purple robes.**

**"I see blood. You killed another maid."**

**(How the hell can he see it?! I used the strongest stuff on that!) "No, I did not. A cat and a snake killed each other."**

**"...Surprisingly, I believe you... It must be true. Where's Shi?"**

**"He's in his crib."**

**"I didn't see him in it."**

**"Damn it!" She runs out of the house.**

**"Huh?"**

**At the palace, the generals sit at the long table and Cao Cao gives Sima Shi to Zhen Ji.**

**"Huh?"**

**"He was pointing to you while spouting random stuff."**

**"I guess he wants a female to hold him." She takes Sima Shi and Sima Shi grabs her breast.**

**"Ah!"**

**"I see he'll become a good man when he grows up."**

**"Oh! Cao Cao! Your influence ruined this poor child!" The palace doors burst open to have Zhang Chunhua run in and grab Sima Shi away from Zhen Ji.**

**"I should put out a restraining decree against you, Cao Cao."**

**"What? I'm his uncle, right?"**

**"...That's Sima Lang." Sima Lang is sitting at the table and is waving at her. "Hi, sister-in-law! Cao Cao just thinks your boy is cute, that's all."**

**"That's creepy."**

**"Aw!"**

**"Don't give me that look. I see you drooling over those two young sisters over in Wu."**

**"Agh! They're old news! I'm going for Sun Quan's wife! Her badonkadonks are the bomb."**

**"...Ugh." Zhen Ji yells at her,"You! Why did you just leave me after the night we shared?"**

**"...I don't remember you."**

**"You violated me!"**

**"...Ha... No..." Cao Pi raises from his seat. "You, woman, what does Zhen mean you violated her?"**

**"She was willing."**

**"Ah! So you do remember!"**

**"To be honest, you were disappointing." The male generals (except Zhang He who was acting very oblivious to the whole situation) blushed as the conversation was going on. Li Dian whispers to Zhang Liao, "Is it bad I am getting aroused by this?"**

**"I thought you were homosexual."**

**"What?! What about me says that?!"**

**"The hair, the scarf, the voice..."**

**"Well, I'm bisexual, thank you very much!"**

**Guo Jia stands up to clap, "Whoo! get her done!" Everyone turned to stare at him. "What? I am just stating what everyone here is thinking."**

**"Anyway... I will be going to put my son back home."**

**"Oh fine, leave. That's what everyone does."**

**"Haaaa..." She walks through the door and Sima Yi walks in. "Why was Shi in here?" Cao Cao goes over to him, "I'm his uncle, right?"**

**"No, that's Lang."**

**"Am I at least his godfather or something?"**

**"No."**

**"Your father was my buddy! I should at least have a title."**

**"Fine, creepy perverted friend of the family."**

**"What? No!"**

**"Deal with it."**

**"Ah, you're no fun."**

**Two hours later**

**Sima Yi lays on the ground bright red. Cao Cao stands over him.**

**"Cao Cao... Why did you force that much alcohol down my throat...?"**

**"You need it in your system. You need to loosen up. Guo Jia told me you don't drink and neither does Xun Yu. So I will make you two drink." Xun Yu wobbles around to the banquet room and bumps into pillars.**

dcj nsjnc jksn dcnv sughsmkz sdndjkmjdsioqqq90ew9009o4t39494-008-w309040-054-;''j; 3223-2o ,egp-043906-43=12,,3pr',,f :3 p',3pgg 8D lolz ^J^

**"He's... writing gibberish on his notepad! How much did you give him?!"**

**"Guo Jia said to try to make him high tolerance."**

**"Stop listening to him!" Jia Xu chows down on many food items on the table because he is too drunk to care what he is eating.**

**"These cookies... Taste... AWWWWE-SOOOOME." Sima Yi stands on his two feet and sits at a chair. "Uhhhh... May I please go home now...? I do not feel good."**

**"Get naked and show us your scars!"**

**"...I have no scars."**

**"It worked for Sun Quan!"**

**"Ask Xiahou Dun."**

**"Dun! Get naked and show your scars-"**

**"NO."**

**"Worth a shot to reenact that famous story."**

**"Pleeeease... I neeed to go home."**

**"It's an order for you to stay here and enjoy yourself!"**

**"Uuuugh..." He gets a piece of paper and write shakily on it. He calls over a messenger over. "Send this... to... my...estate..."**

**"Yes!" The messenger runs out the palace.**

**Over at Sima Yi's house, the messenger gives the maid Sima Yi's letter. He runs away and the maid hands it to Zhang Chunhua.**

**"Hm?"**

**"It's from Lord Sima Yi."**

**"He never writes unless it is important." She unravels the paper to show a inky mess of letters.**

I f I do n't make it ho me be fore mid ni ght dr ag m bo dy b ac k ho me cow co ot lett ing me le ave al so y ou be tte r n ot be drink ing wa it un til you're tw went y o ne

**Zhang Chunhua throws a bottle away from her when she read that part. It makes a noise when it hits someone.**

**"Auughhuhuhuhu! You're so mean!" Xu Shu runs out of the house with Zhang Chunhua staring in surprise.**

**"...When did he...? Who is he...?"**

**"Auuugh! You're meaner then everyone else here!"**

**"..."**

**Back in the palace, everyone lays on the ground or on the table drunk. Cao Cao yells out, "Come on! You can't be done already!" Guo Jia crawls over to him.**

**"This is everyone's limit... Even mine's... I think Xun Yu's dead because his liver can't take it..." Xun Yu is seen puking behind a pillar.**

**"Nope. He isn't." Sima Yi pukes uncontrollably and groans.**

**"UGH! Why did you force more liquor into me?! Uuuugh... Chunhua... you should save me right NOW."**

**"Aw, that's nice."**

**"Shut up! My liver will die because of you!"**

**"You're overreacting."**

**"This is what you consider "welcome back"?"**

**"Yes! Get used to it, Zhongda."**

**"I... Fine.. You allowed to call me that... Ooohhh... My stomach..."**

**Epilogue**

**Xu Shu continued to serve Cao Cao until his suicide. He was a virgin. His only interaction with a woman was when Zhang Chunhua threw that bottle at him accidentally.**

**Guo Jia died of liver disease and a heart attack while having a Roman-like orgy with twenty-five women and one man he thought was a woman. No, not ****Zhang He.**

**Ma Chao died from his unattended wounds and his last words to Ma Dai were "Take care of... Chestnut 5..."**

**Ma Dai started an art project called "How I Gave Up on my Stupid Cousin."**

**Yue Ying started to hate how slow juggarnauts were, so she made every one have a rocket booster.**

**Jia Xu began to hate shopping carts because they were the cause of destroying his secret wine collection.**

**Xun Yu doesn't have a voice actor yet. If you are reading this when he finally has one, dismiss this message.**

**Sima Shi begins to like meatbuns sexually due to being exposed to his mother's large boobs a lot.**

**Sima Zhao was not featured in this story. Thank god.**

**Zhang Chunhua continues to make Sima Yi look like Pedobear for a few more years unintentionally.**

**Guo Huai continues to drink that medical tea without knowing its contents. Poor fellow.**

**The maid died of illness. No, she wasn't murdered by Zhang Chunhua. She actually liked that maid.**

**Zhang Chunhua and Zhang Liao are still not related in anyway other then being scary.**

**Zhang He made those rectangle trees for Xiahou Yuan. They were rectangles.**

**Zhang Jiao comes back to life only to get killed by Zuo Ci.**

**The shark and bear bodies were never found. The leopard cat died from old age.**

**Zhou Yu was reading a scroll when a peon runs in.**

**"My lord, the Shu forces are now invading Jing!"  
**

**"Huh?! That means..." Zhou Yu runs out of his tent to see soldiers fighting at a garrison. Zhuge Liang is seen on top of a hill overlooking the battle. He turns to Zhou Yu slowly and sticks the middle finger at him.**

**"Zhuge Liang... You bastard... Oh well... This my cue to die... GULGH!" He grasps his chest and collapses. His ghost comes out his corpse and he flies over to Zhuge Liang. He pokes him.**

**"Boop. You're cursed to die like I did. Except with Sima Yi the one taunting you."**

**"Ha-ha! That'll never happen!"**

**Fast Forward to Wu Zhang Plains**

**Zhuge Liang grasps his chest while in his wheelchair. "Nrrrgh... Damn it..." He looks over to the Wei side to see Sima Yi sticking the middle finger at him.**

**"GULGH!" He dies and his ghost comes out of the corpse. He flies over to Sima Yi to poke him.**

**"Boop. You'll die the same way I did."**

**"Nope."**

**Sima Yi lived to be 72. He died with no regrets.**

**Ghost Zhuge Liang yells at the caption, "WHAT THE F*BLEEP* IS THAT CRAP?!"**

**"Ha-ha!"**


End file.
